


The Boy Who Lives Down The Hill

by rainbowdots888



Series: The Boy Who Lives Down The Hill [1]
Category: Kanjani8 (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Medieval, Drama & Romance, Edo Period, Japan, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-06
Updated: 2017-04-04
Packaged: 2018-09-22 12:30:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 22,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9607706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainbowdots888/pseuds/rainbowdots888
Summary: In the Japanese country, Edo period. Ohkura's dreams are crushed by reality and his cruel mother. Ryo doesn't know it yet but he is his only light.





	1. -1-

That boy, he lives down the hill. 

 

Well, he's not a boy anymore. I'm not a boy anymore, either.

I turned twenty last week. It's cold and ice covers the grass when I wake up in the morning. It's very strange says mother, because it's spring and almost summer. She also says it's because the gods are angry, they didn't want me to turn twenty, because I was not meant to be.

When I leave the house to go fetch water for our household, it's so cold that my getas are slipping on the frozen cobbled road. 

Every morning I walk down the hill, and every morning I can see that boy laughing with his brothers in their courtyard. They live next to the stream so it's easy for them, they don't have to walk for hours in the cold for water. Their house is beautiful and their mother seems nice as well, all round and sweet. 

Mine looks like a cherry tree in winter. Dried by the years, the heart as black as her eyes, beautiful and good for only two weeks a year : when her favourite son, the beautiful, the clever one, comes back from Edo. 

That boy down the hill is everything I want to be. He's beautiful, strong. He looks like the samurais in the legends dad used to tell when we were little boys. Sometimes I can see him swinging his sword against invisible ennemies in the rice fields around, and it's one of the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I usually stop then, speechless, mesmerized by the reflection of his blade on the shiny water of the fields and the movement of the lean muscles under his tanned skin. Last week he saw me and stopped his movements as well. We looked at each other for a little while before embarassment crept up my face and soul, making me break the eye contact and flee as fast as I could towards the river. It was on my birthday.

Today he's sitting in the courtyard, cleaning his sword. The clacking sound of my getas on the stones echoes between the mountains and the hills, through the rice fields and makes him lift his head. He watches me walking past his house, and I almost run to escape his burning gaze.

Once at the river, I kneel to fill my buckets with fresh water and spray some on my flushed face. Those black eyes fixed on me had my heart pounding so hard that I'm hot suddenly. 

I start breathing evenly again, my buckets full and ready to go, when I hear someone approach. It's him, walking slowly towards me as if I were a wild animal. Finally, he sits next to me on the river bank. He looks kind and his broad smile shines with honesty.

“Hey ! I'm Ryo. Nice to meet you. Need a hand with your buckets ?”

I know I must look dumb to him cause my eyes are as round as rice bowls and my mouth stays open on the void in my throat. He's finally talking to me, and I can't answer. I haven't said a word since I was born, not a sound ever passed my lips. That's why mom says I'm useless, good for nothing, stupid. She's right. My brother knows how to speak, he's so clever and I'm dumb.

I end up shaking my head from right to left, mouth still agape. I would love to be able to tell him what I want.

_Yes. I'd love your help. I'd love your friendship too. I'd love to be by your side. To be your equal._

But I can't, and I'm useless.

He frowns a little, trying to understand why I'm not giving an answer as simple as a yes or a no. I'm shameful but I need him to understand so I put my hand on my throat and shakes my head again. His eyes follow my fingers before widening suddenly.

“Are you mute ? Hm... sorry. I mean... Can you speak ?”

He sees the no forming on my lips. Ryo's still smiling amiably, and it's the first time someone is not giving me the look I dread above all when they realize I can't speak. The look that says I'm useless.

“Well, it's alright, don't worry. I can speak for us both.” and he laughs soundly, his face roamed by tiny wrinkles. “ Hand me one of those, I feel like helping you today.”

He takes one of the heavy buckets and starts walking to the hill. I follow, running until I'm by his side and give him a shy smile as a thank you. He climbs all the way to the top with me and it's not trivial because the road is long and it's almost midday when we reach my house. He talked along the way, about him and his family, life and love, gathering nods and mute chuckles from me. He seems to like my silent approval of what he says. 

I smile and bow deeply when we're arrived, my heart flutters, I'm almost in tears... It may be the most beautiful morning in my life.

“You're welcome ! And... I'd like to talk to you again if you don't mind. Next time, please write your name for me... You're not deaf, so I want to know how I can call you.” 

And suddenly he's gone, whistling down the road under the warm sun of may. I hear the horrendous voice of my mother yelling at me but strangely I don't care, my life has changed today.


	2. -2-

It's not late but the sun has already disappeared behind the horizon and we're stuck at home with a single oil lamp. So the family gathers around and everyone does their work in the same room. Mother is mending my sister's blue kimono because there is a festival next week in the village. She wants her daughter to look good and find a man on that day, maybe one of the rich boys living down the hill.

They usually leave me do my own stuff at night, I'm not their slave anymore when the sun has set. I found an old paper and a worn out brush, a bit of black ink and I'm trying my best to write my name clearly. I'm solely focused on the size and the order of my strokes, biting my lower lip and frowning. They've given me a difficult name, a rare one, and I tend to think they did it on purpose. So I'd have difficulties writing it later. Of course, Mother didn't consider educating me was worth her time so she would only give me some papers to decipher and to copy by myself... that's how I was taught how to read and write.

My kanjis are not beautiful, the strokes are trembling and they're oversized. But somehow, I'm writing my name on that paper, and then again in hiragana so Ryo knows from the first reading how to pronounce it.

My sister glances at my paper and giggles.

“That's quite an ugly handwriting, Brother. Here, let me help.” She gently takes the brush from my hand and corrects beautifully the second character, the one that has thirteen tricky strokes. “Why are you even trying to write your name ?”

Mother looks up from her work and her gaze is mocking, maybe a little worried too.

“Are you going to give that paper to a girl, during the festival ?” She laughs. Everything in that display of amusement sounds off, sounds fake. “Don't dream too far, none of the girls in that country would like to marry the village dummy. You'll stay with your old mother forever, so don't embarrass us...”

“Mother ! Don't be so straightforward... Niichan is not clever but he's kind of beautiful... Let him dream.”

“Hana. Keep your opinions for yourself, silly.” It's said with such a cold voice that my sister backs off and lets go of the brush immediately. The ink still contained in the bristles slowly soak the paper, forming a strange black stain next to the characters. 

I take my paper swiftly and leave for my thin futon, next to the fire. Once rolled in the covers, far from her mocking eyes, I have another look at my written name. I'll give it to Ryo tomorrow, and maybe he'll like the sound of it.

****************

“So... It's Ta..da... Tadayoshi. Right ?”

I nod in approval, my smile a lot bigger than Mother would allow me. Today, he was waiting for me in front of his house and even waved at me when I took the last turn before arriving. He's so handsome this morning. His thick and shiny hair is gathered into a messy bun and I notice for the first time the moles that subtly underline his eyes and his mouth. Hana would certainly love to attract attention from such a man.

“Well, that's a complex name your parents have given you. They must love you very much or...” he stops, not sure if he can go on. I try to encourage him with my eyes, I want him to understand who I am. “... Or they really don't.” 

And he sees on my face that he's right. They don't. 

“Alright then, Tadayoshi. Let's go to the river...” His smile is warm and understanding as he grabs one of the buckets in my hand. Our fingers brush and my heart beats harder, it's almost painful. 

We're filling the buckets and then seat next to each other, relishing the warmth of the sun. This morning for the first time in weeks, the grass and the road were not frozen under my steps. It's heaven, in my opinion. Mother is not here, Ryo is by my side and he's smiling, still. Has he ever been angry or sad in his life ? Because it seems to me that he is the sun himself, always bright and warming up the frozen beings around him.

I don't want to see him sad, ever.

“You know... I've been noticing you for a long time now. When I exercize in the fields, that is.” My heart skips a beat. I don't want to hear that he found me weird or stalking him, that he wants me to stop.

“Do you like swords ?”

I'm surprised by his question but I nod immediately. Yes, I love them, they're beautiful, they're powerful and bright. They're what I'm not.

_They're just like you Ryo._

“Did you ever touch one ?”

No, I never did. It's out of reach for me, the dumb peasant boy. He takes his sword that was resting on his side and hands it to me. I'm overwhelmed suddenly. It's so light and long, shining like its master, perfectly balanced even in my clumsy hands.

“I'll teach you how to use one. It can be helpful.” He confirms as I'm giving it back to him.

“You know what I love in swords ?” 

I try to say no, but as usual only the silence comes out. But I'm curious, so I form the word distinctly on my lips.

“I consider they're alive you see... It's a little weird so please don't take me for a fool.” He pauses, glances at me shyly. “The swords, Tadayoshi... They're beautiful, humble and silent beings. Just like you.”


	3. -3-

It's been a week since the day Ryo has talked to me for the first time. He has promised that today he's going to teach me how to swing a sword. Mother has left for the day... I'm free, at least for a few hours.

We're walking in the rice fields, our feet entirely plunged in the water. My toes are stuck in the mud more often than not but I try to keep following his dynamic pace. It's sunny and almost blinding, the birds are chirping happily on a nearby tree and the wind caresses gently my hair. The sword he has lent me is heavier than his, longer as well. He has said that I'm way stronger and that I need something matching my frame and strength...

Mother always says I'm weak so I hope that I'll be able to hold the sword, that he won't notice that I'm weaker than he thinks.

“Alright, let's stop here. Try to move with the sword and be careful not to harm yourself... The blade is very sharp.”

I'm swinging my arm around, slowly at first, then in swift and strong movements as if I were smashing things in the air. The blade is beautifully whistling at each blow and Ryo's smile becomes larger every second. He walks around me until he's behind and I can't see him anymore. So I spin on myself, until he's there again, in front of me.

“That was nice ! Are you out of breath ? How does it feel ?” 

I want to say that I'm alright, I'm feeling more alive than any other second I lived before this one. So I'm just smiling as wide as I can.

“Great. There's only one thing. Your… kimono. It's way too tight. You need a larger one, it blocks your shoulders and you're not entirely free of your movements. Do you have another one ?” 

I don't. I'm wearing this garb since I turned sixteen and the fabric is so rough that it has survived my daily chores without even changing shape. Ryo knows by now how to identify a no coming from me. 

“Well, I guess we'll keep this one for now... Can you remove the sleeves ?”

I'm suddenly embarassed, it's stupid, we're both men after all. He sees my hesitation, and his smile starts to vanish. I don't want him to stop smiling. So I'm removing the top of my shameful piece of cloth and tie the sleeves low around my waist, slightly shivering at the breeze that curls up around my naked chest.

“Alright, now, find a comfortable position... Your right foot ahead, yes that's it... Try to balance your weight between your legs... yes, perfect ! Face the ennemy. Always face him. Your hips are not...”

His mind lost in the flow of his instructions, Ryo has walked towards me, slightly correcting my knees' position with the tip of his fingers. He's behind me again and I can just hear his muffled monologue. I'm kind of paralyzed now, he's so close to me. I can feel the collar of his kimono brushing against my back, it's soft and tickly. And suddenly his hands are resting on my hips, delicately turning them until I'm perfectly aligned with the target he is imagining in front of us. 

It feels strange to be touched so softly by someone, someone who doesn't want to harm me in any ways. His hands are warm and firm, modifying the position a little bit more and I can hear him mumble 'perfect' only for himself. I'd love those hands to remain there, to even dare explore other territories, it's dizzying to imagine what they could do if only...

“Tadayoshi ? Are you alright ?” Ryo's worried voice brings me back to earth, and I open my eyes again on the dazzling landscape in front of me. 

I nod. I'm alright. Confused, embarassed by my own stupidity but as long as he's still solidly holding my waist, I won't collapse.

*****************

In the end I didn't collapse at all when he released his grip on me, it only felt a lot colder. 

He has shown me how to hit a target, how to fend off an attack. Ryo has fought me with gentle blows all afternoon, trying to spare my spent shoulders and hands. The sword gave me is now a lot heavier and my wrists hurt when I'm lifting it above my head as my teacher instructed. 

“I think we should stop, you look exhausted.”

We sit side by side along the path that goes straight through the fields. It's a little raised so we're not floundering in the muddy ground and to be honest it feels great. I'm recovering, my breath returns and the sun is now caressing. It's almost the end of the afternoon, of our day together.

“Tadayoshi... Are you coming to the festival tomorrow ?”

Suddenly my inner peace shatters into pieces. I shake my head from right to left, in panic. Mother knows that I'm not made for that kind of things, Ryo doesn't. Hana is, she's pretty and she can have fun with her friends, maybe find a husband, she's old enough. But me... I don't want to embarrass my family.

“Oh. Aren't you allowed to ? I mean, we are around the same age... You can decide for yourself ! ” I see a tint of rebellion in his eyes, he's suddenly seized by anger and his usual smile falls down.

_Are you angry at me Ryo ? Please, don't..._

He is now looking at his feet, still imprisonned in the mud of the field and moves them a little in order to create some ripples that crash onto my legs. Ryo seems to regret his sudden exasperation and takes a long and calming breath.

“I... I'm sorry. It's just... I'd like you to come with me. Please.” I'm staring at the couple of red-crowned cranes that just landed in front of us, bathed in the orange light of the sunset. I can feel his eyes, his burning gaze, devouring me. He wants an answer.

I must be crazy because I finally nod with a shy smile, without even looking at him. 

“Thank you.” He murmurs.

The cranes take flight together in an astounding ballet of feathers. Ryo is smiling again.


	4. -4-

Surprisingly, Mother has said yes. She allowed me to go to the festival with Hana, on the condition that I'm not walking beside her once arrived there. I must understand that being seen with me is a disgrace, and my sister needs to find a husband.

For the occasion, Mother even lent me a hakama my late father used to wear for ceremonies. It's all black, it's even threadbare in some places. But it feels amazing. 

We're leaving the house early and my sister talks all the way down the hill, she tells me about things she can't say when we're home. The boys she likes, the ones she'd like to marry... Ryo is mentioned once in her incessant blabbering, my heart prickles then, and I don't really understand why. But the one she wants over all, the man of her dreams is apparently my friend's big brother, whom she already calls Shingo. 

In front of Ryo's house, they're here, the three brothers... Waiting for us. Perhaps Ryo is waiting just for me, or so I hope. 

He smiles and waves at me. Hana is confused and her beautiful little face becomes all red. She didn't know about my newly found friend and her chatter dies in her throat in surprise as the three men are walking towards us.

They're handsome together, to say the least. They are not tall, maybe not that muscular but they have this aura to them that can seduce anyone. They are close, they are true brothers, they love each other. My brother hates me. Hana doesn't care.

“Tadayoshi ! We were waiting for you...” His smile makes me grin in response, my heart is submerged with joy. “... And who's your pretty companion here ?” 

His eyes have moved to Hana, next to me. She's so pretty, of course he would notice her immediately... She doesn't say anything so I push her arm slightly with my hand. She needs to talk for us both. 

“... I... I'm Hana, sir. His sister.”

The slight tension I had felt in his formal smile suddenly vanishes. Ryo looks at me again.

“Well, Hana, Tadayoshi, let me introduce you my brothers : Shingo and Subaru. Guys, could you lead the walk with this pretty lady ?”

The two men seem more than pleased at the idea and surround my sister in the blink of an eye. She's living the moment of her life.

Ryo walks next to me and his hand brushes lightly my sleeve. He glances up at me, shyly.

“You look stunning today. I'm glad you could make it.” he murmurs only for ourselves.

*****************

It's the first time in years at the festival for me. Everything is colorful, the background music and the hubbub are intoxicating and I rely entirely on my friend to lead me through this crowd of merry people. Hana is now with her friends, and I can forget her existence in my world, at least for a few hours.

The brothers find a table for us four and decide that we are going to order sake, now that Ryo is a grown up man. His brothers are nice guys, they're accepting me without a second thought and even try to include me in their conversations about the girls walking around our table. All these young women are actually looking at us with interest, some of them are even bold enough to come and touch our shoulders, stiffling embarassed and chiming laughs. 

I feel strange, I'm not used to that display of attention. I really wonder why this beautiful woman stopped in front of me and asked for my name. I couldn't answer of course and just blushed instead. She apparently found it charming as Subaru gloated loudly patting me on the back once she had left. All of this makes me dizzy and to be honest, I'd rather be alone with Ryo in the rice fields right now.

“Are you alright ?” he asks me all of a sudden.

I nod immediately but I'm so tired it may look like I'm just being sad.

“They're going to launch the fireworks. How about we go to a nice place to see them ? A calm place.” 

The idea is great, so I'm following him without hesitation. I need a quiet moment. We're climbing on the flat roof of a warehouse, far from the crowds, far from our respective siblings and the ladies' disturbing looks.

The fireworks start just as we sit there, side by side. It's amazing, I don't remember having ever seen something that bright and colorful. The loud bangs travel slowly after the luminous explosions and everytime I'm jolting in surprise, taken aback by the beauty and the violence of it. Ryo looks at me and laughs. It's not a mocking laugh, it's just nice and caring.

His hand lands on mine. Softly but also too firmly for it to be an accident. It stays there, strong and reassuring, the fingers slightly searching to intertwine with mine. I let them do so, I love that sensation.

Ryo looks at me again, his dark eyes are set ablaze by the fireworks reflections. His right hand slowly goes up until it's resting on my cheek and I'm mesmerized again, subdued to every single tiny movement on his face.

“You're so beautiful it hurts, Tadayoshi.” His voice is low, hoarse even, but among the turmoil of the fireworks I can clearly hear those fascinating words. He's so close now, his trembling lips almost on mine when he whispers something. 

“Forgive me...”

And he finally closes the distance between us, our mouths meeting for a second, an hour, an eternity. My heart is about to explode like those flowers made of fire that are painting the night sky. I don't know anymore who I am and why I'm here, I start panicking as he kisses me deeper and my body still responds to it eagerly. 

Suddenly it's too much to bear, and my hands spontaneously push him away, stronger than I intended to. He looks lost for a second, his eyes are desperate when I stand up in a hurry and finally run away in the night, crying.


	5. -5-

The rain has started on the day following the festival. It has been pouring down all the time since then, coloring the nature around with a rich green shade. The pitapat of the showers against the wooden structure of our house is almost deafening and never stops. I'm into a daze since the festival, since the kiss. I have to call it like that. It was not an error, nor even a misunderstanding. We kissed, it felt awesome and then so scary that I ran away. Nothing had ever been that amazing in my life, I just couldn't deal with it when it happened. 

I need to tell Ryo, I need him to know that it's all forgiven and that I did not run away because I hate him.

The hurt in his eyes, I can't forget it. I've managed to steal his smile with a kiss. I have to give it back to him.

But Ryo is nowhere to be seen. When I walk down the hill recently, entirely soaked by the incessant rain, I'm looking for him. He's not waiting anymore, he's not in his courtyard cleaning the swords we used for training. He's not here anymore, as if he never existed.

My heart hurts.

****************

My brother suddenly returned home from Edo. He arrived this morning, all tired and covered with the mud of the road. He has brought presents for Hana, for when she'll marry some rich boy from the vicinity. Beautiful fabrics for amazing kimonos, accessories for her hair, silk flowers to wear...

Mother is utterly happy and for once she's not screaming, she's even kind. It feels weird.

I almost enjoy the moment when we sit around the table and they talk about their everyday life and exchange news. They're not minding me and my imagination can wander freely down the hill, where Ryo is, where his soft lips and warm hands are. 

Until the moment Hana spills everything about Ryo and his brothers. She's so proud to have been lead to the festival by such men that she talks, she tells her big brother how amazing they are and how I've made friends with them. He is turning paler than I've ever seen him be. His fists clench and he hits the table violently, startling everyone.

“Hana ! Stop now !” His voice sounds terrible as he turns to me and pierces me through with his furious stare. “Did you introduce your innocent sister to those guys ? Did you actually give her to them just to make friends ??” 

I shake my head in disbelief, of course it's not like that. He stands up and walks towards me, threatening. Mother and Hana are watching, mute, surprised by his reaction. 

“Hey, half-wit ! Answer me ! You're supposed to protect your sister, that's your only function and first occasion, you're putting her in danger ? Answer !!” 

He hits me on the head. The powerful slap sends a wave of pain down my back and I start crawling on the tatami to escape the hail of blows falling on me. He has me pinned against the wall very fast, maintained there by the strength of his kicks. He's shouting out, he's ugly, has the face of a demon. My brother is half crying, half drooling, showering me with blows and insults and I suddenly think I may die here, by his hands, in the unbelievable madness of his reaction.

“Answer !!” he squeals finally, sounding like an exhausted pig about to have its throat slit. A last violent kick and he's gone, walking out of the house under the downpour. 

Hana is whining. Mother ignores me and goes to her favorite son without a word.

****************

I've left the house running, as I always do. Running away is my trademark. I hate myself, I hate the pain that surges through my limbs at every step, I hate him, this mad brother who thinks I'm his punch bag, his outlet. Under the rain I run down the hill, run past Ryo's house to reach the stream and bath in the angry waters to get rid of the blood stains and the shame that seizes my heart. 

One day I'll put a sword through my broher's body and he'll beg. One day.

*****************

The fresh water of the river feels perfect on my burning bruises. It's way better than the hot and heavy drops falling from the confusing sky.

I got rid of my garb on the bank and dove entirely into the river. I feel like I can drown, I can vanish here and now and no one would ever notice. No one would ever care. And I'd be at peace.

But as I surface, ready to take another breath and dive again, I feel a presence. Someone is looking at me intensely, his figure blurred by the huge rain drops. Ryo is there, drenched and waiting. 

“Tadayoshi, come out, please !” His scream is muffled by the water cushion all around us but I can feel he fears for me. “Come out ! The current is too strong !”

I dive again, I want to think alone, I want to disappear for a while. But suddenly he's pulling me out of my cocoon, dragging me out of the raging water with all his strength, clenching my wrist with both his hands. When we're out of the stream and sprawled on the bank, I remain lying on my side, exhausted. He's taking his breath next to me as his eyes are wandering over my bruised body.

“Who did this to you ? Who ? … Did you want to die ??”

Ryo lies down next to me, on the muddy ground, tiny pearls of water caught in his insanely long lashes. I let my finger trace a character in the mud between us, slowly. It's perfectly balanced for once. 

_Brother._

His eyes are deciphering my writing, and darken in fury for a split second. He finally brushes the hair falling over my own eyes and smiles to me.

“Let me help, my love. Just let me help you.”


	6. -6-

My eyes open on a room that is not mine. I'm lost for a minute, I've never slept in a place other than my family house. 

I remember now. The blows, the river, Ryo...

He has helped me to get out of the water, has brought me to his house.

His brothers have helped him to clean my wounds and their mother has cooked something for us. I felt appreciated, cared for... and except for the throbbing pain running through my limbs, it was like a dream. It has the taste of family, the taste of love. I feed on that love relentlessly, absorbing every nice smile, every kind laugh and caring touch.

The house is huge, at least four times bigger than mine and the boys have their own bedroom, warm and comfortable, their three futons placed next to each other like the three strokes of the character for river. Ryo has installed me there, for a nap. I refused, at first. I wanted to stay next to him, to make him understand everything about the kiss and the festival night.

But I fell asleep. And as I open my eyes I realize that he's not here anymore. I can just hear his deep voice speaking softly in another room. It sounds like the rain has finally stopped.

*****************

“You know that Kei is insane, Shingo. You've witnessed it, many times. His fury.”

Subaru's voice is tiny, he's whispering as if it's something painful to say.

“Their father was mad as well, after all... It's a miracle that Tadayoshi seems to be... alright. I mean except for the fact he can't spea...”

“Stop ! Stop talking about him like he's an idiot. Madness does not run in the blood.” Ryo almost shouts, trembling. He's reduced to silence by an angry 'Shhhhh' coming from both of his brothers. They think I'm still asleep. But I can hear them talking about my family and I can't move, I can't do anything else than listening.

It's like opening a box containing evil things that will spread, a box I had never been given the key before.

“First thing Ryo, why did you make friends with him ? You know we have some... history with their family.” 

“It's not... You know it's not like that. Me and Tadayoshi, it's... special.”

There's a long silence after this semi confession. I have no clue on what they're doing, which kind of look they're giving their little brother.

“Anyway... We know what Kei will do to him if he realizes that his brother has found shelter here. He'll most likely kill him.” The elder brother states coldly. “He has already killed. He has tasted blood once, at least.”

“We can't keep him here either, Shingo. I don't want his psycho brother to walk in, get Tadayoshi back and meet mom on his way. She doesn't deserve that. She deserves peace.” Subaru's rage is palpable. He looks small and fragile but in his voice there is this vibration, this strength that makes him a warrior.

What did my brother do to make them so angry ?

If it's so terrible, what Kei has done, why is Ryo even calling me 'my love' ?

Why doesn't he hate me ?

****************

The door of the room slides open shortly after and I close my eyes swiftly so Ryo thinks I was sleeping all the while. I try to breathe evenly but my heart pounds too hard and I know he can hear it.

“Are you sleeping ?” His voice is soft, tender. He sits on the futon next to me, his back resting against my bent legs.

My eyes still closed – I can't face him yet – I shake my head. 

“I'm sorry if you heard... well, things... just now. We didn't mean to be rude or judging. It's just that... I don't think you know everything about your brother and... Well obviously, I'm not sure of that. It's not like we've talked a lot you see.”

I open my eyes in shock. Here it comes. For the first time Ryo is saying that my problem bothers him. I don't know what to think anymore, somehow I feel betrayed. I try to stand, my whole body is sore but I don't feel comfortable anymore here, when the person I love is doubting me.

“What are you doing ? Stay calm. You're not in shape to...” Ryo grabs my shoulders and stops me from standing. Our faces are close, so close I can see the deep regret in his eyes. We're staying like that for a few seconds, they feel like hours. We're just reading through each others' irises, we're looking for trust and love.

“It was insensitive from me, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it this way.” His grip on my shoulders soften as his head falls slowly on my chest. The contrast with the second before is startling when I finally embrace him, his smaller figure fitting just right in my arms. He almost seems fragile.

“We're going to hide you away for a short while. Kei will leave your house and only then you'll go back. We'll think of a … better solution later. If he hits you again, I'll kill him. I've enough reasons to do so.” 

He's suffering and I don't know why. I discover the background life of a person I love and it's strange to think that Ryo didn't come into being, already handsome and brave, out of nothing. Ryo has a past. It's linked to my brother's and of course the village half-wit doesn't know anything about it. If only I could ask him...

I hug his body tighter and he clenches the collar of my kimono, stifling a sob.


	7. -7-

We've been walking since the morning, Ryo and me, in the forest. The path is not cleared and it's a bit of a struggle to progress along the hills surrounded by trees and brambles. My muscles are still sore and my heart is heavy. I think about my family, my brother and my mother, Hana especially. It's like I'm betraying them, choosing another family over mine. The rage I've felt under Kei's punches and after them is slowly dissipating into the pure air of the forest.

He's walking ahead, turning from time to time to encourage me with a smile. The sun is shining finally, after so many days of heavy rain, piercing through the green canopy to subtly outline Ryo's features. He didn't tell me where we're going but it has already been a long walk when we eventually reach a stream and a small hut hidden under hundreds of fallen branches.

“We've arrived !” He says, the joy visible all over his face. “ This is my safe haven... It's not luxurious but it's far from the hassles of the valley. Subaru will climb here tomorrow to tell us if you can... go back.” He's already unpacking the few things he's brought with us, food, covers and warm clothes. I'm coming out of my astonishment to help him arrange something and remove the accumulated leaves and branches from our shelter.

“I haven't come here in years... I used to climb when life felt too harsh. My brothers ignored everything about this place until the day we fought seriously and I hid here for a week. They searched the forest for days and finally found me napping here.” He laughs at the memory, his luminous smile competing with the sunrays reflections on the stream. I already love that place, I feel it's more like him than anywhere else in the world.

I hope I'll be able to come back one day, with Ryo, for better reasons. And that day I want to be able to tell him how much he means to me, with my own voice.

*****************

 

The sun disappears quickly behind the trees and the birds stop their chirping. We're suddenly surrounded with silence as Ryo is showing me another fencing move. He has insisted on training me again, for lack of better things to do. He's demonstrating the movements, teaches me how the body works and how the attack impacts on the ennemy's.

I'm fascinated by the beauty of his movements, the perfection of his whole self as he's explaining, a concentrated frown marking his face. I'd like to touch him, to feel his skin against mine like when he let his weakness show, earlier, snuggled against my chest in his bedroom. He still hasn't said a word about the kiss and the festival. I don't know how to make him understand, how to respond to his feelings without words.

“Tadayoshi ? Are you alright ?” He looks worried and I realize my mind has been wandering a little too long again, fascinated by him. That's something that he does, a magic he has : he makes me dream in broad daylight.

I nod timidly, and I know my cheeks are turning red because the sensation of his lips against mine is coming back and it's making my heart flutter.

“Are you hungry ? Sleepy maybe ?” He's walking towards me and brushes my shoulder with his hand, shyly. 

His sword falls on the floor with a soft noise behind me and he's suddenly holding me tightly, his arms thrown around my neck, his chest heaving. He's trying to say something, he may want to justify his sudden impulse, he may feel that it's not proper for a young man to behave this way but I don't care anymore about explanations and justifications.

I can't put my feelings into words and he can't anymore either. We're both mute now. And I just want to feel him, to merge with him so tightly no one could ever separate us. I want him to hear my inner voice, the one always resonating in my heart and I want him to let me hear his. I don't move, I just let the heat between us rise, enthralled by the sensation of his hand slowly sliding under my collar, following the line of the bone until it rests on my pounding heart. 

Around us, the silence is deafening, nothing happens. The entire world is holding its breath and Ryo's lips are on my neck, gently making their way to my jaw. I close my eyes and slightly tilt my head to let him wander over my skin as a pleased sigh escapes me. 

It's like he doesn't dare going further, like he fears that I'd run away again if he gave me a real kiss. He hesitates. I can hear his desire filled breath, I can feel it against me, those puffs of warm air slightly hissing whenever his lips are brushing my cheek. There's no running away now, no panic nor fear building in my stomach, nothing but a powerful desire, something animal that overcomes me and my doubts. 

I turn to him and his face is so close, so vibrant in the orange shades of the sunset that is flooding the woods... His eyes are asking, their darkness is pleading for something more, for action and I fall completely for him, for his fascinating self. If tomorrow does not exist, I don't care.

My hand clenches his nape, I feel the shiver of excitement that's running there, under the tips of my fingers. I give up on everything reasonable in this world, my life is entirely his now that our mouths finally meet and I open my lips to invite him in. We're passionately kissing and exploring, embraced in the luxuriant nature cradling us, without anyone to witness how much we're loving each other.

He'll make my heart explode. And when it will burst, the world will hear my voice.

 

****************

 

Later that night, we're lying naked in the thick covers he's brought and only the small bonfire gives us light. The sky is perfectly dark, as black as Ryo's hair and eyes. He's softly snoring against my chest and our legs are tangled to the point I can't move without waking him up. So I remain like this, motionless, intoxicating myself on his fragrance and the softness of his skin.

I stay awake all night. I can't sleep after what has just happened. My problems have never seemed so insignificant.


	8. -8-

I'd like to be a tree. I think I'd love to become one actually. Trees are tall, they're silent and they're powerful, ancient. They're living a peaceful and long life of retreat, their pure souls never tarnished by human passions and greed.

Should I be a tree or a sword ? Should I be myself eventually ? Ryo is making me love myself more than I've ever dreamed to. He's so thoughtful, so certain I'm a special being. I've just spent my night holding him against my heart and now that he's opening his eyes, waking up at the sound of birds greeting the sun, I can't resolve to let him go.

His hair is a mess and he frowns at the bright light of morning. His head falls again and he nuzzles against my neck, trying to escape the dazzling sun. I can hear a sigh. 

“ 'morning...” Ryo's voice is a bit muffled but it sounds just perfect right now, because it vibrates against my heart. “Could you sleep ?” 

I shake my head, I want to tell him how beautiful he looked, asleep. 

“Oh. Are you alright ? Was it too cold ? The forest can also be scar....”

I kiss him to cut the flow of his words, to make him understand that worrying is useless. I'm exactly where I should be, in his arms, caressing his back and letting my kisses travel through the valleys and the hills that his body offers. 

“You sure know how to wake people up...” His breath is hissing and he moans softly under my lips, threading his fingers in my hair. I put my forefinger on his mouth to get his attention and slowly trace a path down his chin, following the exquisite curves of his neck and collar bone until I'm pointing at his heart. He looks at me, curious.

I try my best to form a few words with my lips, I want him to understand.

_Only you._

He smiles. I think he got it.

Ryo kisses me, now perfectly awake. His desire is growing second after second and he takes over me and my soul, submerging my body with caresses. 

He loves me again, like he would feast on the finest and sweetest delicacy. He's in me and we're reduced to one trembling and passionate being, focused solely on the other. I've never thought something so splendid could happen to me and all the tension, all the fear in me is loosening until the ecstasy washes over my body and soul.

Air blocks my throat up. I try to breathe. The pleasure is too strong and in the forest, wildly resonating with all its life, my voice comes out for the first time. Deep and clear.

I'm reborn here, in his arms, and he cries. Trying to catch his breath, Ryo kisses my temple. His soft sobs are mixed with laugh.

“Your voice is so beautiful...” He finally whispers.

 

***************

 

“I'm sure it's just a matter of days, you know. If we train regularly...” Ryo pauses and turns to me, his naughtiest smile on. “... I mean, if you're trying hard enough, you'll speak.”

I nod in approval, his glee is contagious. I don't know exactly how I feel about this discovery, to be honest. My voice exists. My armour, what has protected and handicapped me for years, my mutism... isn't real. Who am I ?

He's bathing in the stream next to our hut, and the sunlight makes him shine again. We've been here for almost a day and so many things have changed. But Subaru hasn't come. He's not likely to appear now, it's too late, we're good for a second night in the woods. At this rate, I may ask the gods to make everyone on this earth forget about our existence. The world wouldn't stop, Mother would not care at all, and Kei could even be relieved of his hate for me. Hana... How about you little sister ? Would you miss me ?

“You're daydreaming again...” A wet kiss lands on my forehead. The stream is very cold and Ryo is dripping, shaking his hair like a wet dog next to me. I'm shielding my head with my arms and once more, an uncontrolled sound comes out my throat. It's a little croaky and rough but the sensation is amazing. 

He looks at me, surprised. He's so stunned, his eyes round like bowls, that I crack up like I never did in my life. Soon, Ryo laughs too, sprawling on the warm moss. This day is the best ever.

When our laughs have died and we're quiet again, he looks at me and his gaze is a bit frightening. There's something heavy on his mind that has just spoiled his happiness.

“Tadayoshi... before all this becomes... too much. Well, it's already too much, but I think it's time... Time to tell you everything.”

My heart clenches painfully, I fear what he's going to say. 

_No. Don't spoil that beautiful day._

I'm trying to put my finger on his lips again, but he tenderly intercepts it and kisses my hand.

“First, I want you to know that I love you. I would give my life for you. I'll always be on your side. But as you've guessed, things... happened between our families. And it will be harsh, Tadayoshi, it will be extremely difficult sometimes. I need to know. Are you on my side as well ? Do you love me ?”

I nod eagerly, panicked. How can he doubt my feelings for him ?

“You know my brothers, now... Subaru and Shingo. A long, long time ago, when you and me were little boys, around four... My other brother was still with us. My twin brother. He's dead, now... On a sunny day like this one, Kei killed him.”


	9. -9-

My mind goes blank. Ryo isn't crying nor smiling, he just states the fact. Kei has killed his twin brother. How come I've never heard about that ? How come I don't _remember_ that ?

He squeezes my hand tenderly as if I were the one to console. Suddenly the trees around don't appear welcoming anymore, there's gloom in those deep green colors that tend to turn a scary black now that the afternoon is ending. 

“I... I didn't want to talk about that before because I was not sure about... your feelings... my feelings. We've met before, Tadayoshi. We've played together when your family was living close to mine. But on that day, everything changed and after that you all moved uphill. I had forgotten everything about Kei's family, as mom hardly talks about those dreadful moments. Then I caught you... staring at me, in the fields. I didn't even realize who you were, you've changed so much. I fell in love with the image of you and took the first occasion to talk and spend time with you. I fell in love utterly and... realized at he same time who you are.”

I'm crying now because his confession is so beautiful yet so painful. I'm searching through my memories, words I may have heard, images I may have seen. But everything is black, a pit without bottom, a tree without its roots.

“I guess I wanted to tell you now because of what happened this morning. When we were four, Tadayoshi... You spoke. I remember your joyous shrieks when we played together.”

I don't want to hear more, I don't know who I am anymore. 

The silent idiot living up the hill ?

The young boy innocently playing with Ryo and his twin ?

The brother of a murderer, the son of a mad man ?

My brain hurts so much.

“That's not all, I must tell y...”

I leave. I can't take it anymore. I suddenly stand and yank his hand still holding mine. I need him to leave me alone for a while. Ryo looks sad again, he may be disappointed by my reaction and looks the opposite way while I'm walking away, losing myself among the silent and judging trees. 

I hit one of them with my bare fist. That's for Kei. 

My hand is in pain but I hit another one, for all the lies.

It bleeds but I can't stop, I'm punching all the secrets, all the ghosts and all the pain surrounding me. A wild, tremendous scream of agony brews in my stomach. Another bone-crushing blow at my demons and suddenly that howl comes out, tearing the night apart like a dulled sword would have made its way through flesh.

I tumble on my knees, exhausted. The world is spinning on itself and nausea creeps up inside me. And he's finally here, holding me tightly, preventing my complete and definitive fall into madness with his soothing presence.

I mustn't run away anymore, for Ryo will always be here for me, accepting and selfless. I must be here for him too, starting from today.

****************

Our second night in the forest is over and I didn't sleep again. Ryo stayed awake too. He shared with me his memories of a blessed time I don't remember. All that he remembers of his deceased half, the precious being who has shared a womb with him.

He also told me about that fateful day when out of an unpredictable anger my brother beat that little boy to death. How everyone had seen it, even myself, and how our fathers had fought. They'd gone to the temple to settle the matter and call for justice. The priests had asked for a public duel during which they had wounded each other deadly.

The matter had been settled. Blood had been shed. And my family had moved, far from Ryo's, up the hill to escape the shame of being the murderers' descendants. 

Thing is... I remember my father, or a man Mother called this way, telling me samurai stories when Hana was a little girl. Everything is blurry and I don't know what image I should trust anymore.

Thankfully, the comfort of Ryo's strong arms keeps me steady.

****************

When the sun is a its zenith, Subaru finally appears, dishevelled and red from the climb to our shelter. Ryo is sleeping, his head resting on my thighs as I absentmindedly brush his hair in the sun. We must offer quite a peculiar view because the other remains mute for a while, his dark weasel eyes following my fingers threading in his brother's mane with stupefaction. 

“I... mmh. Wake him up, please, I've something to tell you both.”

I gently shake Ryo's shoulder and he cracks his eyes open, slightly dazzled by the brightness of the day. I think I can't live anymore without seeing his adorable frown and the mess that his hair is upon waking up.

“Oh. Brother... Is everything alright ? Can we go back ?”

“Yeah... Kei's gone back to Edo. But... he's taken Hana with him. I saw them leaving this morning and she was crying hard. She also had a bruised cheek, poor thing...”

My heart bleeds again, my little sister is with him. Why would he do that ? Why would he take her to Edo, she's only sixteen. Ryo looks at me and sees the panic rising in my eyes, feels the frenzy of my pulse under his fingers. 

“We must do something. We have to go to Edo.”


	10. -10-

The road to Edo is long and harsh. We're endlessly walking under the scorching sun, Ryo, his brothers and I. We stayed for a day at theirs, just enough to prepare some things to bring with us. They've given me some spare clothes so I can finally get rid of the shameful garb I've been wearing so much.

When night comes, we stay in small inns along the road with all the travelers and the pilgrims that faith has thrown on the cobbled paths of the country. It's the only moment of comfort we get after the hell that is the walk : a bath, a simple meal and a night on a modest futon, in a room we all share. 

Shingo and Subaru have insisted on coming with us. They have a common reason to finally reach my brother and... I don't know. Maybe they'll kill him. Maybe they'll forgive him. In any case I'm not concerned anymore with his fate. Dead or alive, whatever, as long as he can't hurt Hana.

They are a day ahead of us, and everywhere we go we're asking about them. Two young people, a gentleman with a young girl, traveling to Edo. 

Everyone has noticed them, they're so beautiful, charming... and they're engaged. 

That's what Kei says to the innkeepers on his way. Hana is to be his bride.

There's hate boiling inside me then, a mass of fury that's asking to show up, to come out in a storm so terrible I'll be changed forever. I may be the one who's going to kill him after all. With the sword Ryo has given me, the sword which belonged to his dead father.

****************

Tonight, we're alone with Ryo. The brothers have disappeared to some place dealing strong alcohols against a few coins a few minutes ago, leaving us by ourselves for the first time since the forest. We've been repressing any sign of affection since then by modesty and also because they're not supposed to know, to _understand_ what there is between us.

I think they're noticing in our gazes at each other the outline of love, and in Ryo's voice they can hear all the adoration we're sharing. 

But they remain seemingly unconcerned, glad to ignore the truth, to be oblivious at how their little brother is different... How he is loving a man.

Ryo joins me after his hot bath. I'm waiting on the engawa of our room, listening to the soft noises of the night. Cicadas fill the warm air with their deafening chant but it sounds like peace to my troubled heart. His fingers slip tenderly along my wrist until they're intertwining with mine, a shy display of love after those two long days without a touch.

“We're almost there... we'll get her back, don't worry.”

He's slightly trembling as if he were cold. But the temperature has been suffocating for days, it can't be a chill. I drop the cloth I was holding and my hand goes naturally to his forehead, searching for an unusual hotness, a fever that would indicate sickness. But he's not that hot, only his eyes are feverishly staring at me, their darkness so hypnotizing that I stop all my movements. It's only a matter of seconds before his lips are grazing my neck while his hands swiftly untie the belt loosely holding my yukata.

His palms are burning as they climb along my side, brushing ever so slightly my sensitive skin. I'm still motionless, fascinated by his self control as he lets the tip of his fingers trace roads and shapes on my chest, delicate, fragile even when he gives me a first shy kiss. His lips are just leaving mine when all of a sudden he closes his hands on the long hair on my nape and drags me down for a passionate second kiss. His yukata comes open as well under my fingers, I'm blindly looking for his softest flesh, for the warmth that rises from the most tempting spots of his body. 

He leads me to the room with his kisses, planting them like signs on a delightful road. We tumble down together on the first futon our feet are meeting, his frail silhouette imprisoned under me and our limbs tangled in the soft and colorful fabrics of our clothes. His long lashes are fluttering and his moaning voice fills the small space of the room as my tongue roams freely along his muscles, along some paths I was still oblivious of a few minutes ago. I realize that our forest adventure was simple indeed, perfect but a little succinct. I don't know everything about him yet, and tonight we have calm, comfort and time to explore.

I want to be the strong one today, I need to see this fragility show up again, this delicate version of himself he displayed briefly when we were on the engawa. I want to be a man, finally. His man, entirely.

I'm slightly biting the tender flesh along his hip bone, tasting his skin every now and then with my tongue, reaching his groin with delight. His reaction is glorious. I've never heard his voice so high-pitched, freed from any decency. Ryo is exulting under my mouth and I want more, I want to lead him to his most beautiful ecstasy. I need to give him my everything, tonight, for I don't know who I'm going to be tomorrow when finally we'll confront Kei and our families' secrets.

It's the first time for me but he's patient and forgiving. His eyes are full of emotions, pleasure, pride and love all combined in his dark stare, following the slightest move I'm making. He bites his luscious lips as I slowly take possession of him and a startled cry escapes his throat. I've never felt better in my life than here, between his legs, feeling the least vibration his excitement produces through my nerves and my veins, spreading like bushfire in my system. It's where I belong. And his hands firmly holding my lower back, pulling me back inside him everytime a short distance separates us, are telling the same story.

He's out of breath, his voice is now broken but still as beautiful as ever. He whispers words of adoration in my ear, _I love you, oh, so much, my love_ and the sound of it is healing my heart. And here it comes, this tremendous clenching in my stomach, the heat suddenly rising, pumped up my chest at each erratic thrust. I'm delirious almost and I see the reflection of this madness in his own blurred gaze. It's all that we need to finally reach completion as I'm in every way possible surrounded by him.

We cuddle endlessly then, chuckling at every glance, at every touch. We're both high on each other's love. The world has continued spinning without us, we don't care. All is well.

When Ryo's brothers will come back from their evening out, they'll most likely find us naked under the covers, sleeping in each other's arms. And it feels just right.


	11. -11-

We can see all of Edo from where we are. We're on a hill, a moutain even, overlooking the city. Edo is huge and buzzing with activity at our feet, already frenetic to our peasant's eyes observing it from afar. 

Shingo has woken us up at dawn by throwing our swords on the duvet in which our bodies were still entangled with each other. He has grunted a few commands and left without a glance. Subaru was already out, sitting on a rock a few meters away from the inn's entrance. He hasn't looked at me since then. When we've come down with our things the two brothers showed us the way with a movement of their chins and started leading the walk at a quick pace, in silence.

I don't know if they're hating me now or if a terrible hungover is crushing their brains. Maybe both. Ryo is nonetheless walking by my side, throwing amused glances at me. He isn't apparently too bothered by his brothers' attitude, but I've recently learned to question his most reassuring smiles.

Now we're arrived, now the Shogun's city spreads its inextricable web of streets under our eyes, we have to stop. Hana is most likely in there, with Kei, but we can't enter Edo... we're farmers' sons and we're not even supposed to leave our district without an official permission, even less walk into the capital as if we were merchants or samurais. We could be jailed for that.

We have to wait till the night they all say, and sneak in the city after dark... for the rest, we'll see tomorrow morning. I'm so disappointed to finally be so close to my siblings but paralyzed by my position in this injust society, in which we're worth less than the horses that are coming in and out the main gate all day. 

Ryo complains a little, for me. 

But he's immediately put back in his place by his older brother, still incredibly angry at us for what he has witnessed earlier. It's not just the hangover : they still have to come to terms with the fact Ryo and me dared taking our relationship a step further.

****************

Subaru is lying down in a field, enjoying the shade of a tree a few feet away and the rest of us are waiting seated along the cobbled road. Merchants are passing by, unconcerned, as Ryo is taking a nap on my shoulder. I'm left alone in a silent and awkward confrontation with Shingo. 

He wants to speak, opens his mouth, takes a breath and finally gives up with a sigh. The afternoon is going to be dreadful.

There's suddenly a huge ruckus down the road, laughs and chants walking up to us. Three men are fluttering around, stealing fruits and meat from the merchants' carts as they go, dancing and drinking among the offended travelers.

They're passing by us and their roaring laughters are waking Ryo up from his nap. 

They're young men, two tall guys and a smaller one wearing bright and colorful kimonos. Their eyes are underlined with black khol and their long hair are perfectly braided. The petite one is wearing cheap earings and jewels, like a woman, clinking at every movement he makes in a tacky ensemble.

It's him who stops before us first, looking curious. He's obviously drunk, staggering on his feet until one of his friends comes at his rescue. 

He points at me, his blackened almond eyes are prying as a naughty smile stretches his full lips.

“I want this one.” he says to his friend with a nod.

“No... you can't have him. You can't steal people like you do with fruits, Sho-chan” 

That one is laughing his heart out, trying to drag his friend further, where the third of them is waiting. Ryo is now standing, ready to jump down the guy's throat if he even dares touching me. I think it's cute. Being in love makes me weird. 

“No. You can't, because he's mine. Go away, you... you...” Ryo stutters, still slightly sluggish.

“I don't think my friend meant you any offense. We're sorry... we'll leave for Edo now...” The third companion is now in front of us, bowing deeply. He grabs both of his friends' collars with strength and pulls them away. 

“Wait... May I ask you something ?” starts Shingo.

“... Yes. How can we help you, young lord ?”

“We... want to enter Edo... Important... problems to solve in there. Anyway, we don't have the...”

“The papers needed ?” 

“That's it. I thought... maybe you can... Well, you seem used to this kind of... without offending you of course but...”

“Oh you can say it. We're used to that kind of illegal stuff. We're outcasts...” he shrugs. “Why should we help you, though ?”

“We have money.” Subaru states frankly. He's joined us now and his clever face is shining in excitement. “Lots of it. And we know how to use our swords as well. Just so you know...”

The three men are looking at each other, as if they were negociating without a word. It's quite admirable to see how they are communicating only with frowns and looks, a situation friends can reach only after long years living together . A few minutes later they all bow to us and the apparent leader clears his throat.

“Alright, gentlemen. We'll show you the way to the wonderful Edo. We've nothing more exciting to do anyway... Let me introduce you my companions... That cute dwarf over there is Shota, the moron next to him is Ryuhei and I'm Kimitaka. You can call me Kimi, though. We are entertainers: acrobats, comedians and your future favorite bunch of scums of this earth.”

I think I like them already. They naturally exhale self-confidence and freedom.

Ryo is a bit warier but his hand is steady in mine. 

We're finally making our way to Edo, our guides conversing nicely with Ryo's brothers ahead of us. Shota takes advantage of a moment when my lover's not by my side to come near me. He's thoroughly checking me out again, shameless.

“Still... No matter what your man has said... I'll have you one day. I always get what I want in the end.” 

He winks and leaves as fast a he came, followed by the loud clinking of his trinkets.


	12. -12-

“No kidding, I'm sorry for earlier. I mean. He's super handsome and I can't contain myself in front of beautiful things.” 

To prove his point Shota shakes his sleeves and the clinking that now defines him in my head invades the night. He's sheepishly smiling at Ryo who's sitting next to me. 

We're waiting for the black of night at Edo's feet, its high walls towering over us. Our guides have said that we're going to sneak in through a dried up sewer when the guards will most likely be too drunk to notice all the tinkling our new friend is making.

“So first, I'd really appreciate it if you stopped talking about Tadayoshi as a thing, given he's right beside us and… he's kinda mute. Not deaf. Second... It would be even better if you stopped talking about him, period.” Ryo is biting his lower lip in annoyance as his patience has reached its limits. He can't take the fanciful character anymore. 

My hand goes up on an impulse letting my fingers caress his tense nape, slowly threading into his hair. It appeases him, I know that, at least. He turns to me and finally smiles. Shota is suddenly forgotten and we're alone again in our own preserved world. 

“Yes Sir...” mumbles the small guy as he's turning heels and leaves, only to sprawl himself on his most amiable companion. “Those people are no fun, Ryuhei. I'm bored.”

“You won't be bored for long, Kimi just told us we are going to go.”

Everyone stands in silence – except for the usual jingling that has become our default background sound. Subaru turns towards the noise and frowns, deeply annoyed.

“Damn, are you even serious with all that cacophony ??” he declares in a hush. The two defy each other for a while, their mutual dark gazes fighting in a silent duel I wouldn't like to be involved in.

“Let's go now guys.” says their leader and his naturally bossy tone works on Shota way better than I would have imagined.

But before following them, I need to do something. I don't know what Edo will bring to us and I'm afraid more than I would admit. I've trained a little in the forest and on the road when Ryo was not by my side. I want to surprise him, I want this to be one of his most precious memories in what we've lived together.

I take his hand to lead him back to me, I don't need much time. Just a few seconds will do. I take a deep breath, my heart is pounding so hard that the drunken guards may already hear it. Ryo looks at me, a little puzzled. My mouth opens and the miracle unfurls right in front of his eyes, floats to his ears in the warm summer night.

“I... love... you.” I manage to utter, trembling. Of course, my voice's not the most beautiful nor the clearest but the tears forming in his eyes are telling me that he has understood. That he has _heard_ those words from me. Finally.

The others are already a few steps ahead but Ryo grabs my nape and kisses me with passion under the pure moonlight. His cheeks are wet and he's obviously shaken but his lips remain tenderly against mine when he murmurs:

“Me too.”

 

****************

“Now, guys, it's the dreadful moment. Either there are guards behind this door or not. Either we die or we live.”

We're in the sewer that's large enough for me to stand easily, waiting before a wooden exit after a short walk in the dark. Ryuhei chuckles slightly, he seems to savor his friend's words. He turns to me and declares goofily:

“Kimi has always loved being overly dramatic. He's so neat !”

The latter pushes the door to the outside warily and lets his head pass through the opening to check the surroundings. Not a noise can be heard on the other side, it sounds safe.

“Alright. We can go! Swiftly guys! Follow us until we're all inside the house.”

The whole group is snaking in and out, half running in the quiet streets. The house we're going to has a lantern attached outside that is still on. It attracts all the moths around and of course our small band of weird people. 

Once inside, safe and sound, we can finally breathe. 

My stomach suddenly growls and all the tension flies away as everyone bursts out laughing. Even Shingo and Subaru are smiling genuinely at me. Ryo's older brother pats me on the back before asking our guides if they have anything to eat for us. That simple contact is worth everything to me and I can feel Ryo breathing normally again. He's relieved somehow.

*****************

Once our hunger has been satisfied with some smoked fish and rice, somnolence takes over me. It's comfortable in here, I can lay down on the tatami mats and rest my head on Ryo's lap while the other guys are still conversing. I close my eyes, lulled to sleep by the soft voices around me and the warm hand that lands on my side. Ryo is playing absentmindedly with the fabric of my kimono and it tickles a little bit but I would be a fool to tell him to stop.

I don't know if it's a dream or if I can hear what they're saying but voices are talking about Kei. They say that he's got Hana, that she's his sister and he still plans to marry her. They also say that he's a murderer, dangerous, crazy, that I'm his brother.

_He's not mad! He's just like us! Stop it with your fucked up theories !_

Ryo's hand is not on my side anymore, it's flying above my head, its angry movements creating a breeze over me. I'm not dreaming after all. But I can't open my eyes for all the gold in this world. I feel like they're all judging me, except him, my savior, my unconditional support.

“I'm going to ask tomorrow where that Kei lives. He's most likely someone important if he could bring her inside Edo without an official authorization. I think you will have to deal with the Palace.” says Kimi.

“Yeah, thought so.” is the only grumbled answer coming from Subaru. 

“Why do you want to find that scum so badly, after all? Are you engaged to this girl? Or is that sleeping beauty your reason ?” Shota sounds curious as usual. I feel we may become the characters of his future play if he judges our story is interesting enough. I feel their gazes on me again, burning, mightily unsettling.

Ryo coughs softly.

“It's... complicated. But yes, he's like family now.” Shingo replies after a very long silence.


	13. -13-

The light passing through the paper doors wakes me up way before the others. I've faked being asleep last night so I wouldn't have to confront them, to read in Ryo's brothers' eyes the confusion between fear of what I could become and forced acceptance. Shingo has sounded so resigned yesterday, so obliged by the love he feels for his little brother when he said it.

_It's... complicated. But yes, he's like family now._

I need air.

So I leave the house silently, knowing that Ryo won't wake up soon. I've just enough time to stroll about in the surrounding streets before he opens his eyes and we can start looking for Kei. I've never been to the city, I'm so curious. I grab my father's black hakama that's in the bag and put it on so I can walk unnoticed among the city dwellers.

Their voices are everywhere around me, the streets already buzzing with life when I step outside under the warm sun of the morning. Children are running everywhere and the shopkeepers are cleaning their doorsteps in a joyous hubbub that makes my heart flutter in happiness. This is life in its noisiest beauty. To think I could have never seen this met those people or bonded with Ryo as deeply as we did, I'm almost thankful to my brother. He wanted to deprive me of my life when he actually gave me the chance to find a purpose, a love, and a voice.

Hate is productive. Love is, too. Everything but this apathy that has reigned over my life for the last sixteen years.

Unknown people are passing by me, they bump into my shoulders, without judging, without knowing. This delectable anonymity intoxicates me to the point I'm walking without a goal and without any idea of how far I'm going. It's only when I notice that the sun is shining high in the sky that I realize how long I've been absent. 

I turn around and start going back but suddenly the streets seem, all the same, they're small and busy, dirty and dark, people are coming at me in waves, knocking me over, looking at this young peasant standing in their way with displeasure. I may have walked too much, too far and I don't know anymore where I am, nor if I'm going to be able to see Ryo ever again. My heart hurts once more, the nausea is creeping up my stomach, I'm so stupid. 

I'm not a man. 

I'm still the lost child without wit that Ryo has kissed that strange night at the village festival.

****************

The sun is now at its zenith and I've stopped. I'm sitting in front of a row of shops displaying colorful kimono fabrics to attract pretty ladies with wealthy husbands. I must gather my thoughts and find an idea, find something... I can't possibly ask for the direction to Kimi's house, they're outcasts, they're not even legal in this city. I'm not even legal here. 

Ryo's most likely deep breathing in anxiety, trying to convince the others to come to my rescue. Or are they going to leave me here? 

They could. Despite what Shingo has said, I'm not family. And if they go back to the village without me, who will ask where has the idiot gone? Mother would be too happy to finally get rid of the shame, the burden I've been all my life to the people around me.

A beautiful sedan chair stops right in front of a damask shop across the street. A couple comes out of the vehicle and proceeds to the entrance, drowned in the loud greetings of the merchant. They seem so rich, so educated, so beautiful... 

And they look like my siblings. 

I can't be mistaken. It's Kei that I see in front of me, throwing nervous glances around him as he leads the woman by the hand. Hana. I'm not sure, she's wearing heavy makeup and dazzling clothes but her clumsy steps, the irregular clacking of her getas on the stones... It's her. 

I stand, out of sheer surprise, ready to run, grab her hand and flee. My feet start walking on their own will, my body attracted to the other side, to my mission. But I freeze suddenly. I've no idea of where I am, I've no money and I'm still struggling with my voice. I can't do that to her, poor thing. She'd be lost with me, she'd come to hate me. I need a better plan, I need the others and once again I become aware of my stupidity, the recklessness of my actions.

They're now inside the boutique and I'm approaching again. I want to hear what they say. The shop is way bigger than what it seems from the outside. I have to enter, a step more, just a step. My view is blocked by meters of wealthy fabrics, by thousands of blooming red peonies along with white chrysanthemum and flying cranes but I can make out the muffled sound of Kei's voice. He's so close yet so far from me. 

“Yes. We want the best. I need her to be the most beautiful bride in this city. You know that the Shogun will be thankful if his personal secretary has a remarkable wedding ceremony.”

“Yes, my lord. And I can assure you those are the most beautiful damasks we sell...For the most powerful personalities in Edo.” The shopkeeper sounds so toady that I'm sickened by his words. Shocked as well. When did my brother become so important?

There's someone behind me, I can feel the presence walking silently towards my hideout but I'm too stunned by what I've heard to react in time. A strong hand is pressed on my mouth as I'm forcefully pulled back against a warm chest and a crazily pounding heart. 

“Shhhhhh. It's me. Shhh.”

Ryo's voice feels so good in my ears, steady and reassuring. He releases his grip softly and drags me out of the shop in the matter of a second. 

Once we're outside, hidden behind another merchant's display, he sighs in relief and hugs me tightly.

“Oh, I was so worried, why did you do this ?? We've been looking for you everywhere! I saw you just when you entered that shop... One more second and... Why were you hiding in there? You could have been arrested, jailed... executed even !”

I take a deep breath and try to calm my shivering limbs. He looks so distraught, I feel guilty but on the other hand, I've something important to tell.

“Kei... here.” The words are hesitant and hushed but the message is delivered. For the first time since I vowed my life to Ryo's intense gaze, I can see hatred disrupting it.


	14. -14-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 14 is way longer than the previous ones, and so will be the other chapters until the end of this story.  
> We're slowly reaching the end. I hope you'll keep liking it! ♥

The wedding ceremony will be the biggest event of the year in Edo. That's at least what everyone says in the crowded streets. The Shogun's secretary is someone particularly important and a ceremony like this one will grant the city dwellers two days of continuous festival, presents from the palace and fireworks. All the ladies want to impress and all the samurais are polishing their swords for the big day. The entertainers are preparing for the performance that will be held on the plaza in the Shogun and the newlyweds presence.

Kimi has decided to train us, at least a little, so we can participate in the celebration, play before the shogun's eyes … and do something for Hana. 

When I've seen the hate in Ryo's eyes, in front of that shop where Kei was, I've decided to take him elsewhere quickly. It was not the time nor the place to start a fight. He would have been jailed or executed if he had done as much as insulting my brother and Hana wouldn't have been saved for all that. We had to wait.

We're all working at the performance in the nice house that's Kimi and his friends' shelter. It's quite small but we're all getting along nicely as if we were meant to meet and share those important moments. Shota is a little clingy but he has learned to be wary of Ryo's reactions and avoids provocation. Moreover, I'm not that interesting anymore to him who loves noise, screams and passion, now he's realized I'm mostly silence, whispers and shyness. They're teaching us how to juggle, a few magic tricks and how to dress like them with passionate demonstrations and roaring waves of laughter. 

I definitely enjoy this week filled with life, friends and discoveries. I love how the khol that Kimi puts under Ryo's eyes one morning is giving him the darkest of gazes, unfathomable and incredibly sensual. I love how we're shining, together, in the colorful clothes they've lent us when we both have a walk in the morning. Yesterday I saw our reflection on a polished silver plate and for the first time in my life I've found my own image seducing. Ryo was next to me, beautiful and proud and he smiled to my reflected grin, lightly brushing my hand with his fingers.

I don't want this week to end. It's everything I've ever desired: love, friends and trust.

But Kei's wedding is tomorrow and I know that this perfect moment is almost over. So tonight, as Ryo is talking with his brothers I kneel behind him and murmur a few words in his ear.

“Come with me?” 

He looks worried for a second, again. I'd love him to be finally relieved, to drop his worries and be at ease all the time around me. I know that I need to grow up, I need to become a real man for him and then, he'll smile forever. 

He stands and silently follows me in the night, leaving the house and its noisy company together until we finally reach a small public garden that I've found two days ago. A few lanterns are placed along the main path, creating red halos that reflect into the pond. It's quiet, secluded and far from any prying eyes. It's late and the honest citizens have already gone to bed, excited at the idea of the ceremony tomorrow, a day that will remain forever in their memories.

We sit on the luscious grass, protected from humanity by bushes of flowered hydrangeas and only the moon can see us, its light bathing our world in a surreal glow. 

“Tadayoshi... Tomorrow, please, be careful. I wouldn't survive...”

I put the tip of my fingers on his lips, we don't need words like these anymore between us. I know he wouldn't survive my death and I wouldn't survive his. This matter has been settled already by our caresses, our kisses and embraces. We've entered into a pact with each other long ago, the day when our eyes met and he smiled at me for the first time. 

I close the distance between us, all I can hear is our heavy breathing and the faint sound of our silks crumpling. Even the cicadas are resting tonight, for tomorrow chaos will take over the city and they'll have to sing louder for humans to hear them.

I kiss his closed eyelids, my lips lingering on his incredibly long lashes. I brush his face with my mouth in a slow adoration ritual and I can feel his hands clenching the forest green silk of my hakama. His breath hitches when I slip my hand under the hem of his clothes, stopping right where his heart beats. He lies down on the grass, surrendering entirely to my caresses. Our actions are unhurried but his eyes are burning with desire. I delicately open his kimono to reveal his perfect tanned skin and even if the moon only provides a dull light, I still marvel at the beauty that emerges from the bright yellow fabric.

I let my lips roam his soft skin, licking and kissing directed by his whimpers. I point at his toned belly and softly say:

“I love... here.”

He laughs.

“Only here? I don't think my stomach is that amazing but...”

I point to his chest, just above his heart.

“I love here too.” 

There's a silence.

My finger goes up, caressing his neck. It follows the sturdy curve of his jaw and stops on his mouth.

“Here too. A lot.”

He claims my mouth without warning on an impulse that has him shiver. We're sharing the most beautiful of kisses lying there, far from the rest of the living world. 

“How are you doing this, Tadayoshi? How did you make me your slave without words? Did you cast a spell on me with your amazing eyes? Everything in you hypnotizes me to the point I feel hollow if you're not next to me. I'm magically drawn to you.” His voice is faint, it's a confession he doesn't dare making looking in my eyes. He sounds like he suffers somehow and it makes me incredibly sad. “Don't leave me. Never. I don't want to lose my other half once again, I wouldn't be able to overcome something like that a second time.” 

I cup his face with my hands and look at him right in the eyes. He's finally gazing at me and the khol he wears has run on his cheek, brought along with a single tear. I wipe it with my thumb and smile.

“Never leave. Never.” 

He suddenly throws himself in my arms and we tumble in the grass, embraced. 

“Never.” I repeat as he starts kissing my neck lovingly. He'll make me crazy again tonight and we'll become definitely one. No one will be powerful enough to sever one of us from the other. Not even Kei. 

 

****************

The sun is scorching when we finally step on stage that afternoon. We've waited for our turn under the covered alleys surrounding the main square, Shingo, Subaru, Ryo and I. We've refused to climb on stage with the others because we know our plan is risky. I don't want to let them die for us, that's not how you repay their kindness. 

Surprisingly Shota has dramatically thrown his sobbing self in Subaru's arms before we left the house separately, exhorting us to come back together and unharmed. Ryo's brother was blushing and didn't know what to do with the clingy other until the awkwardness dissolved into laughter and we finally said goodbye. If everything goes well, we're going to meet again tonight. 

If not, I'm glad we got to know guys like them. 

The main square is now filled with onlookers and the stage towers over them, high at least three times the size of a man. The Shogun is sitting in front of it, with his spouse and children. Just under him, on ornated little thrones, the newlyweds have just taken place. I couldn't see them from the square but once we're on stage, I can clearly identify my sister in her luxurious black and red kimono, her serious little face hidden behind tons of white powder and red makeup. Her eyes are blurred, she's a million days of walk far from us, most likely dreaming herself in Shingo's arms, at home. She doesn't recognize us. 

Kei is nowhere to be seen. I find it peculiar but in his stead, on the groom's seat, is sitting an old man whose hair certainly turned white before Hana was even born. He's huge, wrinkled and bears a sly smile that sends shivers along my spine. Could he be the one Hana has just wed? Is he the Shogun's secretary?

We're juggling poorly, just enough to keep our feet on stage but no one pays attention to us. The best acts are programmed later and people are not interested in the terrible performance we're offering. The Shogun talks to one of his squires, Hana is still daydreaming and the old man is shoving food in his mouth in order to fill his protruding belly. My eyes are endlessly looking for Kei when I suddenly see him. He's here, sitting on the lowest rank below the secretary. He's stiff in his chair, tense, as he's staring at Shingo and Subaru. He saw them, sensed the danger despite our colorful costumes and the makeup. He may not realize who they are exactly but I can see in his snake eyes the unsettling suspicion that makes his hands clench the armrests.

And suddenly, his gaze turns to me. Our eyes meet for the first time since the day he beat me and he jolts. He's taken aback, searches for the closest exit, knows that I'm here for him. I savor his fear, I feed on his panic when he's running like a coward to the palace's door. I show him to the others and we swiftly leave the stage among the general indifference, running after our target. The square is so crowded that the guards are everywhere but in front of the gates and Kei sneaks behind the walls he thinks will protect him. We're following close and before the guards can react, Ryo and I sidle in the palace while his brothers remain blocked outside. We're alone to face my brother.

*****************  
Kei knows the place, he's used to the long wooden corridors and dead end alleys. He runs desperately, trying to call for other guards, running for his life in the deserted castle. He eventually stops, out of breath in a courtyard covered with raked white pebbles. It screeches under our feet when we enter, a noise as cringing as the triumphant smile my brother displays. The pebbles crack behind Ryo and me... we turn around but it's too late: four guards are on us, grabbing our arms. We're immobilized, at Kei's mercy, in a place where nobody who's a friend will hear us scream if something happens.

He straightens his clothes, brushes his slick hair back and approaches, obviously very proud of himself. Kei walks to me, takes my chin between his fingers and looks right into my eyes.

“So you're here, dummy. I must say I'm amazed at how consistent you are. But you shouldn't have left the village. This city is not made for you, it's my world.” 

“Hana...” I manage to utter despite the anxiousness that seizes my heart. He jolts back again, releasing my chin as if I could have bitten his fingers off.

“Are you speaking? I thought you were done with words. Did you hide this from me or is it new? Tell me if you're so talkative...” His hand hits my cheek in a controlled slap, meant to humiliate, not to hurt.

“Leave him alone!” Screams Ryo not far from me, he's fuming, trying to escape his captors with all the strength he has.

“And who are you, little man ?” My brother turns to him, showing his sudden disinterest for my person. That's how he's been all his life: He tortured me for fun before finding someone more interesting to torment. And the person now in his sight is the one I love more than anyone else on this earth. 

“You don't need to know my name. I'm here to avenge my twin brother's death. I'll kill you and then we'll burn your body so nothing of you will remain.” Ryo said between gritted teeth, scowling like a wounded beast. “I challenge you to a duel, go fetch your sword and let's settle this like men.” 

Kei smiles, he looks almost nice right now, detailing Ryo's features.

“Oh. That's why I knew those guys on stage earlier. They're your brothers. You bunch of losers walked all the way to Edo only to find me? I should laugh at how ridiculous this is, but I'm not in the mood.”

He takes a few more steps and stops so close to Ryo that their hakama touch with a rustling sound.

“Duels are for honorable people, dear... people like our fathers. But in my opinion, if you care to hear it...” Kei is dangerously close to him now, murmuring the words directly to his face with a wicked smile. I want to warn my love, I want him to try stepping back: Kei looks like a snake ready to bite. But when I need it the most my voice is absent, I can't make a sound and frustration tears are rolling down my cheeks.

Kei smiles. He savors his moment. He looks so spiteful. ..

“So Yeah. My opinion. You'll hear it anyway. Duels are greatly overrated.” 

There's a wet sound and suddenly Ryo's breath hitches. The air is knocked out of his lungs and our eyes lower together only to discover Kei's dirk coming out of his stomach. There's a gush of blood staining his yellow garb and he falls on his knees, slowly, his freed hands holding the wound. I can hear my voice screaming in horror, my eyes are clouded with tears as I struggle to escape the guards. 

“In fact, I prefer clean and quick killings now. One more annoying twin down, I'll have to celebrate.” 

His satisfied laugh is twisting into my head as his men drag my limp body far from Ryo, far from his trembling silhouette slouched on the ground.


	15. -15-

I've been locked in that damp jail for long minutes, maybe hours, I can't figure it out. Everything is blurry, all I can see is Ryo's body convulsing on the ground, the red stain spreading slowly around him. The panic inside my heart is overwhelming, I've seen him dying, I'm sure of that. Or maybe I dreamt all of this and we are sleeping together in the forest, at the hut, snuggled against each other. Tomorrow morning he will wake me up and soothe the worry wrinkles barring my forehead with a kiss.

But in the middle of my distress I can hear movement. There are people talking outside of the room I'm kept in. It's not a nightmare, it's even worse. Kei really stabbed Ryo and I don't know where my love is now... hastily buried in a backyard? Still agonizing, drowning in his own blood on these disgustingly white pebbles? Peacefully sleeping in a bed? Because he's the strongest person I've ever met and Kei can't separate us, he's just not powerful enough. 

Ryo's not here to save me. All these moments he has come to my rescue, when he knew perfectly where I was and how to handle my childish outbursts. He has told me the truth in the garden, last night: he's magically drawn to me. Until the day the magic ends and he lies wounded, dying, without help. Because I'm not the strongest person he's ever met and I let him down. Kei has separated us.

The lock on the door cracks and turns until light flows into the room. It's not only damp and cramped, it's also dark and I hadn't noticed it in my delirious state. The sun is still shining high, time must have been short between the moment I've been locked in here and the triumphant entrance my brother makes right now.

“So... Are you done with all your screaming? Your little friend had enough composure to die silently at least.”

I jump on him, I want to strangle that monster and if I'm to die for that, so be it. But I must be disoriented and dizzy because I miss him by a good length of forearm and stumble on my feet. Back against the wooden wall, all the hatred I have for him boils over and I feel like I can finally speak my mind.

“I... I hate you. I'll kill you. I know how to with a sword. He has taught me.”

“If you want to kill me lil'brother, you'll have to be able to stand properly first.” He's still smiling, taunting me with his confidence. “I'm glad he taught you how to speak, as well. Is that all that he has taught you? Your current little crisis is telling me more than I'd hoped on your relationship.”

He pins me against the wall with one hand clenched in my sleeve. Kei slowly brushes the hair that's falling before my eyes and smiles contentedly. 

“Don't tell me you two... were... lovers? Though I wouldn't be surprised, you're a real woman.” He releases me and I slip slowly on the floor, my legs weak and shaking. He's exposed my true feelings and in my head are coming back all the memories I have with Ryo. All the times he has kissed me, the taste of his skin and the warmth of his flesh against mine. 

_“I love... here.”_

He laughed then, gods, his laugh...

_“Only here? I don't think my stomach is that amazing but...”_

Ryo, I love everything about you, why couldn't I tell you when your heart was beating right under my lips?

“Alright. I'll let you mourn. You need to reflect on your actions. You can't attack me without consequences.” 

I try uttering something, I have to know.

“Hana. Husband. Who?”

“Ah, right. Well, he's the man I'm working for. A real gentleman, don't worry... well, at least when he's not drunk.” He sinks on his knees next to me as if to confess something he doesn't want the guardsmen to hear. “I lied to him. Can you believe how cunning is your big brother? He has always wanted to marry some imperial kin but with the Shogun watching him, he couldn't make official research. So I told him I was searching, and that I had found a girl, a bastard daughter of the Emperor, hidden away in a village between Edo and Kyoto. He believed me that fool!”

He stops for a second, noticing that he has let his enthusiasm show. The glee on his face suddenly vanishes and he puffs himself up. 

“Anyway. Hana is beautiful and educated enough for the part, I saw to that. That fat idiot will soon die anyway, and he has promised me his seat next to the Shogun for the favor. He'll make me his heir, Tadayoshi! I won't be the poor and murderous peasant I've been for years anymore! People will fear me, respect our name. Ain't you proud, little brother?”

He's mad. I knew that already for sure but seeing how he shines in happiness because of that wicked plan, I'm almost sorry for him. 

“Mother?...” I ask as I suddenly remember her presence in our lives. She gave the three of us birth and even if she doesn't care at all about me, I'm surprised she let her treasured daughter being sold to an old courtier.

“Moth... Ah. Yes. She's dead. The old hag wouldn't let me bring our sweet sister here. Don't cry for her, dummy. She never loved you.”

I never really loved her to be fair but I know that Kei hasn't been tender. He must have made her suffer, all that under the eyes of Hana. He killed the mother who has favored him since his birth, allowed him to study, admired him even if she knew he had murdered a child. Monster is a weak term for him.

He leans in and I can feel the warm air coming out of his mouth against my cheek. On a sudden impulse, he kisses me here. He's tender, very soft. 

“I... I could have loved you, brother, if I had been right in my head. But I'm not. I always thought you'd be my death so... I had to be harsh. Do you understand?” His words are dying in the small room and I don't answer. I just want him to leave, to disappear, to die. I'm mute again and if Ryo isn't alive in this world anymore, I won't speak until I pass.

 

*******************

I think I fell asleep several times in that cell and woke up as many times, pulled out of my nightmares by the grim memory of Ryo's fall. Night has come and I'm dizzy. I keep dreaming of my mother's death, of Ryo's sufferings and Hana's terrible wedding night. I've let them all down, I want to be swallowed by the ground under my feet and never hear again about Edo or Kei.

In the middle of the whirl of terrible images my mind is providing me with, I can hear a scratching sound behind my cell's door followed by two loud thumps. Then the silence again. The latch squeaks and the door opens slightly, just enough for two heads to sneak into the room. The moonlight reveals their features to my incredulous eyes, identifying Shota and Ryuhei. They're looking at me with a pleased grin before entering the room. 

“We've come for you! I knew we could do it!” says Ryuhei to me with a cheerful tone that's clashing badly with my current despair. They could have let me die here if Ryo's gone.

“Yeah, you've said it enough for today. Cut the celebration, we're not out of this mess yet.” 

Shota sounds surprisingly mature all of a sudden. There's no jingling when he walks and for once he's trying not to be overly dramatic in every movement he makes. My small friend kneels next to me and tenderly brushes my messy hair back as if to check my face.

“You look so worn out, cutie. Let us help. We'll go home now.” 

I need his warmth, the comfort of a friend's arms just to be able to contemplate living in a world where my love's not alive anymore. I throw my arms around his waist on an impulse and snuggle there, against his chest. He's the epitome of life at that dreadful moment and his hands caressing lightly my back are the soothing presence I need. He chuckles softly.

“Shhh, darling. I'd be more than pleased to hug you and even more but... What is your guy gonna say about that, hm?”

My heart explodes in my chest. 

_Ryo won't say anything because Ryo is not here anymore to protect me, to be jealous. And it makes me want to give up on life._

“Ryo... dead.” I say under my breath for the first time. Putting words on it is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

“Don't be so sure of things you've never seen happening...” Ryuhei whispers as he's kneeling as well in order to help me stand. “Sometimes life is made of miracles. And we should get going if we want another miracle to happen tonight.”  
They're helping me to my feet, and after having checked the outside, open the door for good. Two guardsmen are lying face against the floor in front of us, unconscious. 

I'm still in a daze as my brain keeps chewing over Ryuhei's words. So there's hope. He may be alive, still... But where? How do they know about what happened inside the walls of the palace?

Shota curtly tugs at my sleeve to bring me back to earth, with them.

“Stop dreaming, Tadayoshi. We need you to be with us right now, Ryo is waiting for you at home.” 

He grabs my hand and leads me along the corridors in silence. We're almost flying through the palace in the quiet night and I can't help but think of Hana, sleeping somewhere in that inextricable maze of pavilions and halls. The wall keeping us inside is a mere acrobatic for my friends who are helping me climb. Just before jumping in the street, towards my freedom and Ryo, I turn and have a good look at the sleeping palace. 

“Kei... Hana. I will come back.”

I jump and land softly on the ground, helped by my friends' strong arms. The moon that has been hidden behind clouds for a while suddenly pierces through them just enough to show us the way to our shelter.

 

****************

When the paper door slides open before my exhausted eyes, he's finally here, lying on a futon. His skin has lost its usual glow but he's alive for sure. He sees me and smiles softly. The effort makes him cough but to my ears, it's the most wonderful sound ever. I run to him, to his hand that tries reaching for mine. I kiss his fingers religiously, wetting them with the tears I hadn't noticed were running down my cheeks. The sensation of his cold but tender palm on my skin brings me back to life and all the pieces my heart had shattered into are finding their place again in a deafening pounding that I'm sure the others can hear.

“My love... You're... alive...Thank gods.” Ryo's voice is weak and slightly shaking but at least he can talk. I'm once again reduced to silence, overwhelmed by my emotions. I'm trying hard to say something, my mouth opens, forms a few syllables but only the sound of my sobs can be heard. 

A large bloodstained shredded cloth is holding his stomach tightly and bars his naked torso. My fingers graze the bandage as I'm discovering the extent of his wounds. It looks terrible and the whistling sound of Ryo's breathing is giving out how painful it must be. 

Subaru casually sits next to me and to presses a wet cloth onto his brother's sweaty forehead. He looks concerned but takes a second to turn to me and smile.

“He's going to be alright,” he says, trying to sound reassuring. “They've thrown him back in the street after what has happened. I guess your brother's men didn't want to bother with digging a grave. They've certainly thought he'll die unattended, given the chaos in the streets today. Thankfully we were still there, trying to find a way to join you both.”  
“He's severely wounded.” Shingo takes over from Subaru. He's staring coldly at me, obviously trying to contain his fury. “We think that he'll make it, though. But you should know that your brother is as good as dead. I'll cut his murderous hands myself and feed them to the city's stray dogs.”

I nod. I feel that my voice has returned now Ryo's breathing is even and he holds my hand steadily.

“I will kill him... myself.” I say in front of them all. 

_And I'll save Hana._


	16. -16-

It's dawn when I open my eyes after a night of vigil next to Ryo. I must have fallen asleep a short time ago, exhausted by the turn of events. He's still sleeping, next to me, his breath even and peaceful. If it were not for the bloodstained clothes and bandage, I'd swear we've just spent the night cuddling. The timid sun is tracing luminous lines onto his tanned skin and I notice with relief that the pallor that possessed him yesterday evening has given way to his usual olive complexion. The corners of his alluring mouth are even raised a little in a dreamy smile that makes him look like a little boy.

There's movement behind me and pretty soon, too soon, tearing me from my fascinated trance, a hand shakes my shoulder gently. It's Subaru, already dressed up and armed, showing me the other room with his chin. I get up as fast as I can, my whole body sore and stiff after this unsettling night. The others are all up and waiting for me in what our friends use as a kitchen. They're speaking in whispers, too afraid to wake Ryo up.

“Ah. Tadayoshi...” Says Kimi. “'Morning. How are you feeling?” 

I nod. I've felt better to be fair, but there's no time to lose now Kei is most likely aware of my escape. We have to strike swiftly before he panics and flees somewhere far from us. My brother is mad but not stupid, he knows that I'll come back for him, with help.

“Good. Because we need everyone today. The plan is simple. I'll remain here to tend to Ryo's wounds. Shota and Ryuhei will make you enter the palace through the secret passage they know of. Your brother has his apartments here.” He points to a hastily drawn map of the palace's pavilions, somewhere not that far from the yard Kei has ambushed us in yesterday. “You'll have to walk through the corridors without being seen. Find Kei. Do whatever you like to him, I don't care... and leave the fastest possible. The secret passage will be locked up, though, we can't leave it ajar. You'll have to walk through the main gate to come out. If you can find your sister on the way, good for you... The secretary lives here, and I suppose she's with him, given that, hm... you see.” 

He looks embarrassed and sorry all the while, showing me on the map a large hall opposite to my brother's place. Even if we can find Kei, crossing all the way to the secretary's to find Hana will be a suicide mission. I turn slowly and throw a glance at Ryo's silhouette, sleeping peacefully. I can't leave my sister. I can't leave Edo without having killed Kei. Even if it means this morning is the last time I see him... at least he's safe and he'll continue living for us both. 

“Yes. I will do as you say” 

My voice sounds so clear that it's raising a few eyebrows in the room. I've spoken like a real grown up man, finally. It's about time when I will probably die today...

Before we go, I need to feel Ryo's warmth against me. I turn and close the paper door between them all and us, just a tiny, fleeting moment, enough for me and my love to look at each other one last time. 

When I kneel beside him, he opens his eyes and smiles to me. His hand goes up and touch my cheek tenderly.

“Good morning, my love.” I say.

He nods weakly and tries to sit up straight for a kiss but the pain makes him flinch. 

“Shh. Don't sit up...” I lean in and kiss his lips with devotion, trying to engrave the moment into my mind, so when my time will come, the last sensation I feel will be the softness of his kisses. 

I must leave before my courage dies, before I can't move anymore. For Hana. For Ryo. 

He's leaning his head back on the pillow and the question is plain in his eyes.

_Are you leaving again?_

I can't confront the sadness of his black orbs much longer, so I stand and taking a deep breath, grab the sword he has given me seemingly a century ago. 

A second later Shingo, Subaru and I are walking with determination behind our guides in the sleeping capital, towards our fate.

***************

We've entered the palace with a disarming ease. Our friends have left us at the entrance of their secret passage, saying that they'll wait for us outside of the walls at noon. There's a lingering grief in everyone's eyes but the palace's kitchen has already started working behind the wall. It's time to move.

The rest of the pavilions are still silent as every courtier invited to the wedding ceremony will spend a good part of the morning sleeping off the alcohol and food. We're progressing quite fast, guided by Kimi's accurate plan until we stumble on the dreadful yard that has seen Ryo's fall. His blood is still staining the pebbles and I force myself looking elsewhere for the images and the sounds of that moment keep coming back before my eyes. Shingo pats my back kindly, assuming the role he knows best: he is the big brother I've dreamed of for years. Kind and forgiving but also brave and fair. No wonder Hana has fallen for him.

Kei's apartments are closed and as silent as the rest of the castle. For a split second, I fear that we are mistaken, that he has already left and that we'll find the place empty. Subaru slides open the first paper door we find unlocked and we stealthily step into my brother's room. It's a lavish place, filled with precious items and I realize that I've never seen so many luxurious things in my whole life. To think that our family was almost dying of hunger at the village... That I had to walk down that hill every damn day of my life to go fetch water on those slippery cobbled roads wearing my old threadbare kimono when he was revelling in luxury and debauchery. How stupid mother was for having chosen to ignore this? Why did she love _him_ and not me?

He's asleep. Kei is comfortably rolled up in his futon in front of us and startled by the view, for a second we're just looking at him, mute and awkward. Can we kill a disarmed man? Someone who's sleeping like a nice little boy, exactly the way Ryo was sleeping next to me this morning?

Apparently, it's a yes for Subaru who unsheathes his sword and lays its bare blade on my brother's neck.

“Wake up asshole! Time has come for you to pay for your sins.”

Kei jumps in surprise and recoils at our view. He's still tangled in his futon and tries to crawl away from Subaru's blade that's already cutting through the tender skin of his neck.

“Don't tell me you're surprised. You knew we would come as soon as we could. Why didn't you run away you arrogant bastard? Now we'll have to kill you and it will be a mess...” Shingo paces slowly around the futon, unsheathing his sword to cross his blade with Subaru's. Kei is now held prisoner against the wall by two threatening swords but still tries to regain his composure. His dark hair is slick with sweat and he purses his lips in an attempt to speak. My brother looks a sorry sight for the first time in his life. I find it strange and way too easy to be true but I also have to accept that he can be the weak one. 

“I... You... How? The guards... everywhere...” He stutters.

“The guards are all drunk and asleep. Even if you scream, no one will come to rescue a jerk like you. He's yours, Tadayoshi. Do it.”

Subaru is looking at me with his clever weasel eyes, already enjoying his revenge. His blade is cutting deeper in Kei's torso, letting a few drops of blood run along his chest. Shingo hesitates. He's following my movements, looking at my hand holding the sword's grip and slowly pulling the blade out of its ornated sheath. Time has slowed down to the rhythm of my calm heartbeats. 

There's only the four of us in my head right now, the four of us, the shining steel and the metallic fragrance of blood.

The tip of my blade lands right where my brother's heart pounds. It seems so easy. A push, a simple thrust of my wrist and everything ends. Kei looks at me right in the eyes and he's not afraid, he won't beg for his life because until the end, he knew I would be his death. 

“I could have loved you, little brother... If only you had been less beautiful, less brilliant. I could have had a life without having to fight to exist. But here you are, Death incarnate. And in your eyes, I can see the doubt. Do it, as he says. Be a man.”

“No. I don't want to be a murderer like you. You're the worst.” 

On my left, I can see Shingo softly smiling. Subaru chuckles and it sounds so out of place. But none of them are giving me the command again. They're even withdrawing their blades, giving Kei a little bit of space to move. My brother is fuming. His last good trick to the world would have been to convince me to kill a disarmed man, still lying in his bed.

“Do it!!” He screams out of rage. 

His hands surge forward and catch hold of the blade I'm still pointing towards his chest. He does not flinch when his fingers close on the sharp steel and he pulls with all his strength, forcing the tip into his own stomach. I'm taken aback by his reaction and let go of the grip in terror, taking a few steps back.

He could stop now and defend himself with the sword I've just abandoned to his hands but he continues, swiftly devoured by madness as the blade penetrates his body. My head is about to explode, as the whole room resonates with his howling voice. He screams _'Do it'_ one last time before blood invades his mouth and he can't speak anymore. But his devastated hands still function, pulling the blade up, pushing it down until there's nothing left of his belly but a red puddle mixed up with the stained futon. He draws his whistling last breath with pain, falling on Ryo's father's blade like an emptied straw doll.

I'm throwing up in a corner of the room, shaking like never before. The brothers are looking at each other in disbelief. That's certainly not how they had imagined their revenge, that fantasy they had built up on chivalrous principles. A life for a life, a duel to sort it all.

But as Kei had said to Ryo before stabbing him, duels are overrated. Especially when madness rules our puppet lives.

 

****************

My brother's screams haven't lured any guards to his room. The palace seems to be still asleep when I finally get a hold of myself and stand again. Subaru and Shingo are helping me to my feet, soothing my shivers with a tender hand on my back.

“He's dead now. You're free. We are as well...” Shingo says. He tries to smile but I can still see the horror in his eyes. What he has just witnessed has changed him for good. It has changed us, definitely.

“Hana... Let's go...” I manage to utter in a breath. It's still early, maybe we can try saving her before everyone notices the butchery that has taken place here. I throw a glance at Kei's inanimate figure. I'd like to give the sword back to Ryo but my brother is lying on it. 

_It's piercing through him completely._

Subaru understands my thought but drags me away, towards the door.

“Leave the sword, Tadayoshi. We don't need it anymore. Father died long ago.”

We're out of the room in the blink of an eye, sliding back the door into position as if nothing had ever happened here. Our feet slip easily on the waxed wooden floors and the palace doesn't seem that huge now it has lost its power over me. Kei is dead and I'm not afraid anymore. 

As we're making our way on a beautiful engawa, along an ornated garden, Shingo stops us. It's sudden but he has seen someone and points at her with his finger. Wearing white, pure as the morning that illuminates the hydrangeas around her, stands my sister. Her long hair is loose, falling in supple curls around her tiny shoulders, making it almost to the ground. She has seen us. She is confused for a moment, looks around her for help or to be sure she's not dreaming. I can't say until she runs to me, fast, holding the floating silk of her white clothes tight so she can jump into my arms. 

When she is snuggled against me, holding my waist as strongly as her tiny arms allow her, she finally allows herself to cry silently, sniffing from time to time into my chest. 

“Oh, brother, you've come for me. Where is Kei? Did he see you? You have to leave, he will kill you all if he finds you're here with me.”

“Kei is dead. Come with me...”

She steps back, her mouth agape. She has never heard the sound of my voice, I suddenly realize. 

“Do you... Why? What is this magic?”

“Someone helped me. Love helped me.”

Her hand goes up and she brushes lightly my cheek with the back of her fingers.

“Look at you. You're a man grown now. I'm so proud of you.” There's a tear rolling down her cheek that I wipe tenderly. “Kei deserved to die, he has hurt us so much... and he killed mother, oh thankfully you were not here to see that... he has forced me into the arms of that old... wreck.”

“Come with me, Sister. We'll go back home. You will marry anyone you want, or no one if you prefer.”

She turns shyly to Shingo and whispers, looking at him in the eyes.

“I could have been your wife... It was my dream in the other life, the one before, when I was a naive little girl.”

Shingo walks to her and takes her hand. He's moved and I can see the tenderness he feels for Hana in his beautiful smile.

“It's not too late. We can still be husband and wife if you wish so.”

Hana is daydreaming again for a second. She's seeing herself married to Shingo and foresees their children and the life we would all have at the village. But suddenly she steps back again, retrieving her hand and her consciousness as if a wasp had just stung her.

“I'm married now. It's... done.” There is a profound silence. The palace is waking up slowly but certainly, and we can hear the muffled noise of the servants' feet on the wooden floors. “Tadayoshi. You can't remain here. Leave before they find you. I have to tell you that... I'm not your sister. We're not related by blood. You don't owe me a thing.”


	17. END

_“Dear Tadayoshi,_

_Last time we saw each other, I couldn't talk much. You'd come to save me and I told you to leave, that I'm not your sister. I'm so sorry if you've thought that I rejected you. I do love you. We're not related by blood but I really feel like your sister. You helped me and supported me all along my life and I seldom showed the appreciation you deserved. For that I wanted to apologize._

_I was born from another womb. That woman, my real mother, was tenderly loved by my father when she died giving me birth. He left, with the infant I was. He walked for weeks, putting as much distance as he could between us and his sorrow.”_

The screams of the guardsmen and the barking of their dogs. The storm that has fallen upon us then... When Hana had said that she was not my sister, my whole body had hurt, had burnt to the core. It was too late to explain, too late to ask the questions that were poisoning my heart. Subaru, Shingo and I were targets already and the whole palace was rising in fury after someone had discovered my brother's corpse. She screamed, telling me that it was not too late, that I could still leave and that one day we would be reunited.

My friends grabbed me by my clothes, dragging me far from her and the only words I could pronounce was where we are staying in Edo. If she ever changed her mind... We would be waiting there for a week. She smiled and the next second her tiny silhouette was slowly shrinking into the distance as we were running to the walls.

_“One day, he met Mother, at the village. She had been suffering terribly after what had happened with Kei, your dad, the poor boy murdered... and my father was a kind man. She fell in love with him and welcomed us into her house. Adopted me. You know the rest, Tadayoshi, you remember him as I do, telling us his wonderful samurai stories and laughing wholeheartedly at our children's silliness. You looked up to him like your own father. For a short while our 'family' has been happy and even if Kei was behaving weirdly, no one really cared. Until that terrible day he has reminded me of.”_

The walls were so high, all around the gardens, spiked with shards of broken swords. The dogs' growls were deafening and coming our way too fast, too easily. We jumped, helped each other somehow. We ripped our clothes on the shards, cut our hands and legs on that sharp and deadly trap. Air was lacking in my lungs as there were too many occasions to breathe out and too few moments to breathe in. 

Those monster's teeth have closed on one of my ankles, pulling me down like a straw doll with a strength I didn't suspect they could have. Time stopped again then and I thought that I were going to die there, torn to pieces by the sharp fangs of some vengeful dog-shaped gods sent by my brother from the afterlife.

I kicked, screamed and struggled until finally, for a split second, the pressure loosened on my ankle. Shingo pulled me up again with his wounded hands and we fell on the other side of the wall together with a loud thump, in a small and quiet street. The fall was hard on the sandy ground but I felt so alive then that I laughed. I cried too, for Hana had chosen her fate and was still held in this horrible place. I had no family left. I was alone. But I knew also that I had never felt lighter than at this moment.

_“They had left in the morning, to hunt together. Father never returned. Kei told us that they had been attacked by a mountain bear. Father had protected him and had told him to run away. That's the lie he has served us on that day. But to tell you the complete truth, Kei killed him. In the forest, because he didn't want another man to command him, because Father had been too kind to you, because Mother was in love and he couldn't accept it. I think she knew the truth all along. She was so afraid of him..._

_Kei is dead now. We're free. Go back to our house and burn it, please. One day, I'll return to the village and we'll meet again. But for now we have to follow our own paths. You told me you've found love and for that, I'm glad._

_You will always be my kind and awkward big brother. We're not related by blood but my heart has chosen you as the only family I desire._

_Your little sister, Hana.”_

I let the paper fall on the floor. It glides for a little while, supported by the summer breeze squeezing through the slightly opened doors. Ryo's head is resting on my lap and his intense eyes are looking up at me. 

“Are you alright?” He asks carefully.

“You mean the teeth marks, my cuts or my heart ?” 

“Hmm... Update me on your heart first. It does count for me.” 

I laugh softly at his words. His shining grin makes everything feel easier, less painful.

“Well, my heart does alright, thanks for asking. The fact we're together right now is the most important.”

He sits up with a groan of pain and settles next to me. He kisses the corner of my lips, softly. 

“The letter... what did it say?” 

“It said that... Kei deserved to die. A hundred times.”

Ryo's head falls on my shoulder as he takes my hand. 

“Well, this much we knew already. Tadayoshi... It has been a week and you didn't tell me what happened. If you need to speak, if I can help you in anyth...”

I interrupt the flow of his words with another kiss, a lot deeper this one. He answers to it with delight, his free hand grasping my nape.

“I never needed to tell you anything. You can read through me like I just read this letter.” 

Our foreheads rest against each other for a while. He still has a question that's burning his tongue, something he needs to ask.

“Tadayoshi... Were you the sword that slain him? Are your hands stained with his blood?”

“No. He has killed himself. I... I couldn't do it in the end.”

His lips featherly brush my jaw and he nuzzles in the crook of my neck. His hand squeezes mine.

“I'm relieved. I didn't want your pure heart to get spoilt by his malice.”

The afternoon ends bathed in the orange shades of the sunset. Edo is finally peaceful tonight as our friends are laughing and drinking in the next room. Tomorrow we're leaving all together for the village and our story with this dreadful place will be over.

****************

The cherry blossoms have just bloomed, painting the landscape with white and pink spots. Their petals flutter around in the soft breeze, before landing on the shining water of the rice fields. Ryo is seated on the path weaving through the fields, under the shade of a beautiful cherry tree. He's opening the bag in which we've packed our lunch this morning and is arranging everything for us.

“Are you hungry?” He asks with a lopsided smile.

“I am. You weren't kind with me today, teacher...”

His laugh resonates around us, frightening a group of birds that were bathing in the fresh water. They suddenly take flight, filling the air with their scared chirping. 

“Come and sit next to me then, swordsman. I'll take care of your spent muscles...”

“I like what you are implying here.”

“Oh. Was I implying anything special?”

I lean in and claim his perfect mouth, ripe for kissing. His mocking smile dies in the embrace as he grabs the front of my kimono and makes me fall on his lap. When we part, his cheeks are as pink as the flowers falling all around us. One of his hands has lost itself under the hem of my clothes, gently caressing my waist. 

“Yes... you were.” I smile to him before suddenly remembering what I've wanted to tell him all day. “Oh. I got a letter from Edo. Subaru has written to us.”

Ryo is slowly kissing his way down my neck, biting slightly in the crook of it. His muffled voice comes to me as a delightful vibration that tickles perfectly. 

“Hm... What did he say?”

“My sister has given birth to a healthy boy. She's doing well but she says her husband won't see his son growing up. His health has deteriorated a lot last winter. He'll die soon. When he dies she plans on coming back here with her babe.”

His hand opens my kimono just a little more, enough for one of my shoulders to be exposed to the chilly wind. He plants a kiss there and keeps exploring with his mouth, seemingly uninterested in my monologue.

“Well, good for her.” Are the only words passing through his busy lips.

“Subaru wrote about Shota too. I tell you there's something going on here... He says they'll come back together to the village for summer. Ain't it cute?” 

At least this information makes him stop his nibbling. He looks at me intensely and I almost can see the wheels turning in his brain behind the blackness of his eyes. Ryo shrugs.

“My brother is anything but cute. Shota is annoying as hell. How could this make you excited?” 

“Because they're my friends and I think it's great for them, you're so negative!”

“That's because I think the only cute and exciting person on this earth is you...”

There's a silence then as tears are coming to my eyes, blurring everything around me. 

“Should we be alone and at home, I'd make love to you right now for what you've just said.”

He looks around to check if anyone is here. No living thing can be seen as far as our eyes can observe. Ryo turns to me and shrugs again with a naughty smile.

“I say we're alone...” He kisses me again, this time with more passion, pushing me softly until I'm resting on my back under him. “... and I also say I miss our outdoor playful activities...” 

His hands get swiftly rid of the fabric that covered us and our flesh touch freely in a dizzying sensation. I can't hold my moans back when he takes hold of my already hard length and pushes slightly, just enough to get me ready for more. It's all I needed to lose my mind into his arms and give in to him, completely, passionately, forgetting the trees around, the birds and the fresh breeze that's raising bumps on his perfect olive skin. With a slight thrust of my hips I knock him over and pins his frail figure down on the soft grass cushion. He burns with desire and does not mind my weight nor the tiny drops of cold water of the meadow wetting his skin. He just spreads his legs and closes them behind my hips, bringing me closer to him, so close I think we can merge and form one unique sentient being. The movement elicits a whimper from his delicate lips, a whimper so faint, so beautiful it can almost pose as the soft howling of the wind. 

“Weren't you hungry?” He asks playfully, already out of breath.

“Weren't you supposed to take care of my sore muscles?” I answer, panting. 

He's so gorgeous when he throws his head back, biting his lower lip in pleasure as I slowly thrust into him. He is disoriented for a while, clenching my shoulders to steady himself. The sound of his moans fill my ear with their delightful music encouraging me to continue, to make him definitely crazy. There's suddenly a little laugh among all the cries and his raucous voice rises, amused.

“Your muscles seem perfectly in shape to me...” 

“Don't brag... tonight you'll have to massage them.” I stop, just for a while, to observe his mocking little smile transform into a needy pout.

“Deal...” He sighs. “But for now...” His hips are coming up to meet mine, eliciting an uncontrolled moan from me. I kiss him again to muffle his teasing and claim complete control. He's more than willing to relinquish all authority and gives in to the kiss with greed. Then, everything more complex than the pure sensations, the raw feeling of his body rocking against mine and the perfect sound of his wanting cries vanishes in the bliss of our embrace. Our ecstasy is just a matter of minutes and washes over us like a violent storm that leaves us sweaty and panting, embraced under the most beautiful cherry tree I've ever seen.

****************

That night, we're both entangled into our futon and I can't sleep. I'm listening to the night birds filling the night with their chants. It's dark around, secret and peaceful, and somehow I feel it's the perfect moment to ask what has been bothering me for a while.

“Are you sleeping?” I ask tentatively. His breath is even and soft but he still moves, crawling a bit closer to me every time he breathes.

“No. The night is full of noises.”

“Hm. Ryo?”

“Yes?”

“Why?”

“Why what?” He sounds amused and props himself on his elbows.

“Why us? I mean... In the end... Why did you choose me? Why were you ready to die for me so quickly? I was such a...”

“Don't. Don't talk about yourself this way. Do I need reasons to have fallen for you? No. Love is about losing control, about literally falling without fear nor questions. It's magical.”

I ponder silently over his words. There's magic between us indeed, and more than that. It's like we were made to complete each other, as if some almighty entity had turned the wheels of our lives for years with an incredible precision so we could meet again on that sunny day of spring, one year ago, both craving for love and support.

“Tadayoshi... If I ask you why, right now. What's your answer?”

“I... I don't know. I love you more than anything else in that world, it's the only thing I know for sure.” 

I can hear a soft laugh in the dark and a kiss is pressed on my cheek. 

“Same here. No more questions left, then.” Ryo cuddles closer and intertwines his fingers with mine. Very fast he's sleeping peacefully.

That boy, he once lived so far from me, down the hill. 

Starting from now, I will be living there with him. Forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this is the end ! I really, deeply enjoyed writing this story, I hope you did like reading it. I spent hours on this but I'm happy with the result for once. It's a happy end (almost) for everyone, especially for our lovebirds ^^
> 
> Thanks for keeping up with the story and your gentle comments ♥ See you soon!


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